I took a different route to work today. I drove past my medical school and remembered myself walking on those streets. A hopeful, positive guy with big thick eyeglasses, dressed in an all white uniform, stained with blood and dirt, carrying his heavy books and transcriptions which he barely finished reading last night. I did not dream of climbing to the top. I just wanted a happy, satisfying life after graduating from school. But if I did, that would be a bonus.
I just did what I have to do. I did not slay to make it to the top. Everything I did was just what I think was needed. I did it not to impress. It's just what's required of me. Maybe, people still see the beauty of intentions more than actions. Perhaps, that's the reason why I was offered this position.
I had hesitations when I was offered the position. I know I'm not a social person. I'm more of a silent worker, more efficient in solitude. I hoard a lot of work and with too much optimism, I think I could conquer all. I don't ask for help. I try to solve everything on my own.
And I think that's where I made a mistake. Eventually, the responsibilities kept on piling up until one day, optimism just turned into ash. I was overwhelmed by despair and disappointment of not being able to accomplish everything that's expected of me. It has turned into a vicious cycle of fatigue-unable to carry out duties-adding responsibilities-hopelessness. I started hearing words against me, making me feel inadequate and unworthy of this position. But in spite of these feelings, I hid myself behind a mask of strength and calmness.I can't be the weak one, because everyone relies on me.
And that's another mistake. When a dam keeps on filling up, it overflows. Now, I have really encountered my medlife crisis.
I was near the edge of that cliff, but thankfully, I regained insight with the latest news on well-known personalities taking their own life. I've managed to release the dam. I almost forgot of how perfect my life is outside my work... of the friends and support that I have that are just within reach.
I am still not okay. I still feel weak. Everyday, I drag myself to work and count the days left until I have to turn over this position. But until the end, I'm holding on tightly to my insight, as it is that branch hanging at edge of the cliff where I'm clinging to. And of course, with another person's reaching hand, I can make it over the cliff again.
For now, I drown myself with hugot songs while looking back at my old self (Why does it feel good to listen to hugot songs when you're down) *pasok Moira*. If I could travel back in time what would I say to that hopeful medical student walking on the street?
*time travel*
25 year old Basti walking home from the hospital, day dreaming of a bright future ahead:
"I just want to have a happy, satisfying life after med school. If I become someone big, that would also be great."
*bright light flashes in front of Basti*
A 31-year old guy suddenly appeared in front of Basti, better built, dressed with a good fitted shirt with rolled long sleeves, tucked in khaki chinos and a matching brown belt and leather shoes. He could smell his expensive perfume and see his expensive phones peeking through his pockets. His left hand holding a cup of Starbucks coffee, while his long white coat is hanging on his other hand. A classic stethoscope is hanging around his neck.
"I want to be like him. But it seems like his eyes are so sad," said Basti to himself.
31-year old guy speaks, "Sometimes, people think that when you're on the top, life is a bed of roses. But it isn't. Continue dreaming young one, but don't forget to take good care of yourself. Life won't be easy up there, but remember that you are not alone. Continue enjoying your life while it is still simple and cherish every moment of it. The memories will keep you going when you're older."
*back to present*
I parked my car and stared at the facade where the name of the hospital is written. I sighed and whispered to myself, "Another day..."
I stepped out of the car, grabbed the cup of coffee I bought with my left hand and hang my white coat on my other arm, my stethoscope around my neck. I saw that young optimistic medical student once again standing and smiling in front of me. I smiled back at him. I wanted to pat his head and tell him, you did great, but the image faded away.
My phone rang. It's one of my residents. "Hi sir, your patient is ready for induction..."
I just did what I have to do. I did not slay to make it to the top. Everything I did was just what I think was needed. I did it not to impress. It's just what's required of me. Maybe, people still see the beauty of intentions more than actions. Perhaps, that's the reason why I was offered this position.
I had hesitations when I was offered the position. I know I'm not a social person. I'm more of a silent worker, more efficient in solitude. I hoard a lot of work and with too much optimism, I think I could conquer all. I don't ask for help. I try to solve everything on my own.
And I think that's where I made a mistake. Eventually, the responsibilities kept on piling up until one day, optimism just turned into ash. I was overwhelmed by despair and disappointment of not being able to accomplish everything that's expected of me. It has turned into a vicious cycle of fatigue-unable to carry out duties-adding responsibilities-hopelessness. I started hearing words against me, making me feel inadequate and unworthy of this position. But in spite of these feelings, I hid myself behind a mask of strength and calmness.I can't be the weak one, because everyone relies on me.
And that's another mistake. When a dam keeps on filling up, it overflows. Now, I have really encountered my medlife crisis.
I was near the edge of that cliff, but thankfully, I regained insight with the latest news on well-known personalities taking their own life. I've managed to release the dam. I almost forgot of how perfect my life is outside my work... of the friends and support that I have that are just within reach.
I am still not okay. I still feel weak. Everyday, I drag myself to work and count the days left until I have to turn over this position. But until the end, I'm holding on tightly to my insight, as it is that branch hanging at edge of the cliff where I'm clinging to. And of course, with another person's reaching hand, I can make it over the cliff again.
For now, I drown myself with hugot songs while looking back at my old self (Why does it feel good to listen to hugot songs when you're down) *pasok Moira*. If I could travel back in time what would I say to that hopeful medical student walking on the street?
*time travel*
25 year old Basti walking home from the hospital, day dreaming of a bright future ahead:
"I just want to have a happy, satisfying life after med school. If I become someone big, that would also be great."
*bright light flashes in front of Basti*
A 31-year old guy suddenly appeared in front of Basti, better built, dressed with a good fitted shirt with rolled long sleeves, tucked in khaki chinos and a matching brown belt and leather shoes. He could smell his expensive perfume and see his expensive phones peeking through his pockets. His left hand holding a cup of Starbucks coffee, while his long white coat is hanging on his other hand. A classic stethoscope is hanging around his neck.
"I want to be like him. But it seems like his eyes are so sad," said Basti to himself.
31-year old guy speaks, "Sometimes, people think that when you're on the top, life is a bed of roses. But it isn't. Continue dreaming young one, but don't forget to take good care of yourself. Life won't be easy up there, but remember that you are not alone. Continue enjoying your life while it is still simple and cherish every moment of it. The memories will keep you going when you're older."
*back to present*
I parked my car and stared at the facade where the name of the hospital is written. I sighed and whispered to myself, "Another day..."
I stepped out of the car, grabbed the cup of coffee I bought with my left hand and hang my white coat on my other arm, my stethoscope around my neck. I saw that young optimistic medical student once again standing and smiling in front of me. I smiled back at him. I wanted to pat his head and tell him, you did great, but the image faded away.
My phone rang. It's one of my residents. "Hi sir, your patient is ready for induction..."
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