Reconnection

I've settled with a view of myself spending the rest of my life with a golden retriever, playing fetch by the sea shore. I live my life everyday to grow in my career and eventually, be able to retire, and realize this dream. I'm so drowned by my career that the thought of growing old with someone seems impractical anymore. Just think of how it could meddle with work and sometimes, tinker with your sanity. Hence, I set that thought aside, placed it in an almost forgotten corner of my mind. However, when Cupid's arrow strikes, it hits hard. Never did I realize that my work-drenched self would suddenly rethink of my outlook in life.

I've been out of relationship for more than 3 years and yes, I've forgotten how it's like to fall in love. What lingers in my mind is the stress and hassle of relationships, which keep me from actively finding one. But when the heart speaks, these negative recollections are suddenly wiped out. There's this unfathomable feeling of wanting to care and to share your life to someone. There's this unexplainable sense of contentment, when you feel the presence of that person, when he notices you and when he reciprocates the feeling... or... that's what you're making yourself believe. 

Then confusion starts to set in. Is it reciprocation, or just a friendly response? You then start to analyze every actions, every conversations, detail by detail. Your heart hopes, but your mind tells otherwise. This conflict gives that vague uneasy feeling of uncertainty that preoccupies you. What if he's just waiting for your move? What if you make that bold move and turn everything awkward which will just push him away? Suddenly, that stresses you out: the thought of snapping that thin thread that connects you. It is disturbing, consuming your thoughts and you just wish that you're back to where you were before: the time before Cupid's arrow got you. 

As you come to your senses, dismissing the hopes of the heart and listening to the reason of the mind, you feel frustration. As for me, I reinstalled my Tinder, hoping that there's someone out there who could fill the void, or better, someone who could replace him. Unfortunately, my standards are just too high right now. Yes, it's difficult. Fortunately, I have a sound mind and I decided to just deal with it.  It will take a while, but things will be better, I know. 

Talking to a friend about this frustration, she told me this, "It's not the positive outcome after the chase that matters. It is the feeling that you get out of it." She continues, "Cherish that feeling. It's what makes you feel alive. That feeling of intense belonging in the midst of uncertainty, when all odds are not in your favor...That's the feeling that gives your human heart a fuel to go on. Do not forget it."

So yes, although I am perturbed by this frustration, I also realized that I was able to reconnect to my human side. That heart, that seemed to have petrified because of my preoccupation with career, I've realized that it's still there, ready to beat, ready to feel, and ready to give love...but perhaps, next time.