You Taught me how to Love

Continued...

"Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love."

Back to reality....

The progress of my moving on phase suddenly went back to 0. But I have to be strong. I have to go on. I finally opened the storage box where I kept our album of memoirs to dispose it. I could smell Harry's Bvlgari Soir when I found it (He sprayed Bvlgari Soir on his first letter to me). I opened the album and read some of his letters. And there...my moving on progress was pushed back further to negative 50. I was already sobbing. 

Some excerpts from Harry's letters:

June 25, 2011:

."..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

August 25, 2011:

"...it was on that day that I realized how much you really, truly, deeply love me. You may be apathetic, not expressive, unable to text me all the time, or unable to accommodate my urges for us to meet up, but I know that you have my best interests at heart. And with this, I have learned to just simply trust. No more buts. No more what ifs. No more envy. No more doubts. It's not about making up my mind to trust in you for the sake of the relationship. Now my heart truly trusts in you and your love. Thank you, my boyfie Basti, for loving me so much! It has changed me to a better man. Thank you for making me a believer of a love as pure and as true as yours..."

November 19, 2011....our relationship began to fall apart

"...I miss the way you...

...treat me like I'm your most important person in the world...to plan what we'll be doing for the day together...or simply tell me of your plans for the day...

...used to feel like my brother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my partner, my soulmate...and I'm afraid that you're losing interest...and I am trying my best to make you open up...but I'm sad that I'm missing all the things I mentioned above, and I hope you can go back to the way you were. I miss the Basti I used to know from the first few months that we met up. I just hope that you can tell me what's on your mind...because I cannot imagine how I can be with someone who doesn't even talk with me about his life and about his plans about our future together..."

November 20, 2011:

"....please do your best. I really need this from you. I want what we have to last a lifetime... with heartaches and love...Boyfie M.D."

And so, at the time, I realized where I went wrong. After that letter in November 19, 2011, we were like fighting and making-up almost every week. He complains of my lack of emotional input and how I began to lose interest on him. Well, looking back, with the way I acted, it really seemed like I was drifting away from him. From November up to our last months together, he was just overlooking past my mistakes, and he was even the one making an effort to save the relationship. Then, in March 2011, I had the nerve to break up with him. 

Indeed, Harry was right. On the last night we talked, he told me that if he chose not to overlook past my faults before, we would have been over longer. Looking back, what I did to him was really unfair and he has all the right not to entrust his heart to me again. I really still love Harry, but I now, I realized that it's someone's turn to  take good care of his heart...someone better than me. And so, after all the drama this afternoon, I decided to move on again and set him free. I won't bother you again Harry. 

As I was holding our album of memoirs, I thought of how I would get rid of it. I looked over my window and saw the river. There's no better way to end a year-long drama but with a drama...Throw it to the water, like what Rose did to the Heart of the Ocean.... But the river patrol might catch me and arrest me for littering... How about setting it into flames?...which could set the fire alarm of the whole condominium...Or tear it apart...hopefully I could get through the hard cover...Well, my creative imagination just went playful again. I just placed it back to the storage box and sealed it. I don't need all that symbolic disposal of memories. I just need a night of booze and party!!

But seriously, after getting drunk, I need to rely on my own emotional strength in order to move on. I may be surrounded by his memories but I guess, all the lessons I learned from this relationship will help me get through this and make me a better boyfriend in the future. The physical representation of him will eventually be just a reminder of what I should be. It would be a challenge to stick around his memoirs, but I need it to conquer the pain and have the will to go on.

Thank you Harry for everything. Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love. 

I hope I could find someone like you and I hope you'll find someone better than me. I won't forget you. 

Part 1