UP Naging Mahal

There used to be a joke about the big three universities: " Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang math. Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking. Sa UP mahirap ang.... estudyante." And so, there were other campus war jokes where the humor revolves around how bright but financially disadvantaged the Iskos and Iskas are.

But things have changed.  It has been five years since I graduated from the university. Back then, I just paid 300 pesos per unit. I was a regular paying student, meaning, I don't have any scholarships or discounts. That tuition is just that small. Now, UP students pay more than thrice my tuition 5 years ago.

Lately, I took a quick meal at the College of Arts and Sciences (AS) cafeteria  of UP Manila which is just across the PGH - Out Patient Department as I took advantage of my short lunch break. It is were I used to hang out back in college while waiting for a class. It is a bit different now, with conyo as the major language of communication.Students are busy crushing candies in their iPads. iPhones are also everywhere...and parking (in AS), is as difficult as that in La Salle.

And so, I therefore conclude, that UP is not what it used to be. Well, quality-wise, education is still among the best, but sadly, it is no longer for the masses.The increasing cost of education in the university mandated to educate the financially disadvantaged has created a social shift in the student population. Hence, those campus jokes are no longer applicable, as tuition in UP can now drive a poor student to death...um...literally. (And therefore, an Atenean can no longer tell an Isko that the latter's tuition is just his stipend for a day.)

As with Kristel Tejada's suicide, I still believe that UP should not get the sole blame for her death. Coming from a medical perspective, the drive of a person to commit suicide is multifactorial. The forced leave of absence and inability to pay the tuition may be just one of them. Indeed, these might have been just  overemphasized by the militant students, but in the end, what good came out of this issue is the realization of the policies that render the poor students powerless. And I hope in the near future, the government would review its budget allocation and the UP system would create lenient policies that won't suffocate the disadvantaged students.

Well, as for the moment, UP is still UP. Too bad, you can't enjoy it when you can't afford it.

As for the present Iskos and Iskas, you are lucky enough to be endowed with brains and enough money to afford UP. But I hope you won't forget your fellow Iskos and Iskas and even those outside UP who are struggling to make ends meet but highly value education. Complacency may lead to apathy which is not how UP brought us up.

And so, I shout again what I used to shout on the streets, "Iskolar ng Bayan! Ngayon ay Lumalaban!"

photo from here

My Young Bromance

I'm one lucky intern who was privileged to have a 2-week vacation while the rest of my co-interns would probably go on duty, figuring out how to reattach or amputate mangled extremities on new' year's eve. As  day 10 of bumming around came, boredom strikes in my  isolated, enchanted kingdom where all fantasies come true (read: my room). I ventured into the depths of our mysterious dungeon, a.k.a. bodega, where I found some old photo albums. They are the albums that my late granny compiled, categorized according to families, events, travels, etc.. I took one and opened it. I saw a picture of  our new year's eve dinner in 1995. My grandmother was sitting in the middle while I was standing on her right and another boy was standing on her left. His name is...Carlito Miguel..Tadadan...*Tingin sa malayo...fade effect...black and white...piano instrumental* (Sorry, I'm in a soap opera mood today).

When I was young, my grandmother used to live in our house in the province. Every vacation, my parents would take me there to spend quality time with my granny. But being a stranger to that place, I didn't know anyone of my age. I had no  friends. The house helpers were my playmates and at night, my granny and I would play sungka. When the household is busy, I would play alone with my robots, my manly robots and guns.

Dear granny thought that cute little Basti is bored and lonely. She didn't know that I'm introvert by nature. So my ever kind and loving granny called all her tauhans and said, "Ipaghanap ng kalaro ang aking mahal na apo. Kung hindi, walang kakain ng hapunan!" *evil laugh* 

And that's how I met...Carlito Miguel, or let's just call him Carlo. He is the nephew of my uncle's driver. Carlo is unlike other paslit kids in town. He is actually cute, with mestizo features. He has light brown eyes with long eyelashes and pointed nose. He had Stefano Mori-ish hair, the popular hairstyle back then. He is 4 years older. When we were first introduced to each other, I felt something that I have felt with girls that I admire before. Oh dear, I had my first guy crush.

Carlo and I became good friends. Everyday, he would come over to our place. We would wait for the morning Japanese cartoons and then play family computer after. After lunch, we would either play hide and seek around the house or stroll around the town plaza, then afterwards, take a bath together in my granny's bath tub. Yes, we took a bath together naked. We were inseparable.

New Year's eve came. My mom invited him to sleep over and celebrate new year with us. While the household was busy preparing for new year's eve dinner, my mom sent me and Carlo to the bedroom to sleep and she told us that she would just wake us up when the clock strikes 12. So, we obediently followed, changed in our pajamas and headed to bed. It was a cold December night. We covered ourselves in blanket, then fell into a deep slumber.

In the middle of my sleep, I was woken up by something. It felt so warm and comforting. I realized that Carlo was cuddling me. I gently removed his arms but my movements woke him up. "Why?" he asked me. "My mom might see us." I replied. "So? We're both boys. What's wrong with that?" he justified. Hmmm... That's what's wrong. We're both boys and we're cuddling.  I guess Carlo had no concept of homosexuality back then. But I just let him do it, perhaps, because it feels good. Sorry to disappoint you, but this post is not about a pre-teen homosexual sex. Nothing further happened that night. First of all, I had no idea of homosexual sex (and even heterosexual sex because I still believe that torrid kissing makes a girl pregnant) and yeah, there were no feelings of lust back then.

Days after, the two-week Christmas break has to end, and so as our play dates. Carlo was there when we were loading our baggage to the car to say good bye. No, there were no teary good byes or promises of unending friendship said. He just asked me to sing. (Ang weird diba? Perhaps he wants a memory of my voice). So there, in front of him, I sang a song about missing someone on Christmas day. We just said simple good byes after. I told him that I'll be back on summer break. Then I sat on the backseat of the car, looked back through the rear shield and waved as the driver started the car. As the car took off, I just watched as the house became smaller from my view (No, Carlo did not chase the car crying until he can no longer catch his breath while I am helplessly looking back from the backseat, though it might make me cry if he did that.)

Back to the present...
One day, my mom went to the community health clinic to have her blood pressure checked. He approached a male nurse and asked him to take her blood pressure. As he was wrapping the cuff around my mom's arm, the nurse asked my mom, "Tita, how's Basti?" My mom was shocked and looked at his face. That's when she recognized him. He was Carlo.

When my mom visited me recently, he told me about the encounter. She was laughing as she recounted how noisy we were back then and when she saw us cuddling in the bedroom (Sabi ko na nga ba! Nakita niya!). I was a bit embarrassed when my mom reminded me of the latter. I wanted to ask my mom if he still looks good as before but she might wonder why I'm asking. Anyway, she told told me that Carlo has a girlfriend (toink!) and that he wants to see me next time I'm home.

Well, it would be nice to see an old friend again and relive the past (I mean every bit of the past...including the baths and cuddling...hehehe)

Eating Alone

   

   The consultant told us to go back at 3pm for the consultation regarding our community diagnosis. It's just 12pm, but going home means spending most of my time traveling than resting because of all the traffic. I decided to eat lunch in a mall nearby and stay there while waiting for our consultation time. Whenever I dine alone, I always go to a Chinese restaurant which used to be Harry's favorite. Aside from being able to reminisce my moments with ex, it's in a hidden quarter of the mall with few people passing by. Therefore, there's a smaller audience of your pathetic isolation.

   One by one, the people in the restaurant  left as the clock strikes 1. As for me, I have to stay for 2 more hours. I was left alone, in a corner of the restaurant, watching the crew sweep and mop the floor. Then, a familiar lady came. We briefly exchanged glances and gave that I-know-you-you-know-me-let's-pretend-we-don't-know-each-other look. She is a consultant in another department. She also came alone and sat in a corner. As I observe her, I realized that I might be looking at myself years from now--- Successful, respected, but alone. Am I worried? No. Not actually. Why? My phone beeped.

"Hello Basti. How's your day? Dinner later?" It's from Johannes. Hmmm...I think, that alone part is still questionable. ;)

Well, I still don't know if there will be a "to be continued" link here. Just wait for that Johannes word to get "clickable".  hahaha.

photo from here

Christmas Greeting

It is the 25th of the month. For most people, the only significant event on the 25th of December is Christmas. For me and Harry, it used to be our monthsary. As I was going through my phonebook, sending personalized messages to my dearest friends, I came across his name. Dr. Harry Chan.
I promised him that I won't bother him again. But it's christmas. I guess that's an excuse. So I sent him a message. "Merry christmas harry!" A few minutes later he replied. "Merry christmas!" Then it seemed like my thumbs had a mind of their own. They began typing... "Glad you replied. Can't help but feel sad. It used to be merry christmas and happy monthsary. Anyway, I'm just starting to move on. I don't want to spoil your christmas. Enjoy your time with your family."
"Ok. Thanks," he replied
It was plain, straightforward and insincere. Harry still despises me. The Harry who used to put me in the center of his life now wants nothing but to put me out of his life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was the one who broke up with Harry. But I am the one who is still in pain. As I placed myself in his shoe, I realized where I went wrong.
Everytime I look back, I remember lots of sweet and happy memories. Those times he left me surprises whenever I wake up, the fancy dates in Manila's uptown districts, the macaroons he kept in his pocket to take home to me because he wanted me to have a taste of one of the best macaroons, the time he secretly placed the diaphragm of his stethoscope to my stethoscope because I lost mine and the cheesecake hunting we used to do.
If Harry does look back, what would he remember? The time I said that sometimes, I simply don't care, the moment when I ignored him when he was crying on the floor, the time I just kept on playing a computer game while he was doing everything just to get my attention, the monthsaries that I kept on forgetting, the guessing game that he was so excited about but instead, I chose to sleep or that turning point in our relationship when I asked him to wait for me but after raising his hopes, I turned him down again.
Now, I understand him better. He was right. I am a spineless wimp who keeps on hurting him again and again.
I told myself that I'm moving on. But everytime I see my future, I only see Harry by my side. The person sitting next to the driver's seat holding my hand when I drive. The guy I'm cooking christmas dinner with. The face that I first see in the morning whenever I wake up. That old man I'll grow old with.
So now, another confusion begins...

Idiot's Guide to Coming Out

Isabela texted me and asked for a favor. She needed help in finding a gift for her monito, or should I say... "monitey!" *jazz hands*.  She did not identify the person but she just described him as her gay blockmate in denial. I instantly knew that her monito is Jack. "It's Jack, right?" I asked her. "How did you know...Oh well, wala namang iba sa block namin," she replied.  

Well, Jack is utterly and overtly gay, but he just doesn't admit it...or he lacks insight of it? Everybody knows that he's gay but him. What kind of straight man craves for a facial when he's stressed, "I'm so toxic, I need some facial!" (Jack, 2012). (My naughty mind can't help but think of another kind of facial). BB cream? Ask details from him because he's a living proof of how it makes his skin blemish-free. And the walk...he could embarrass the sorority girls with his swinging hips. Yet, when he was in a comedy bar, he walked out when a gay comedian labeled him as "kalahi."

Then Isabela texted again.

Isabela: "So what should I give him? Our theme is something dangerous. I want something witty, worth 200 pesos" 

Basti: "Give him a box of condoms with holes punched out of it. It's dangerous, "

Isabela: "You're not the first person to suggest that, "

Basti: "How about a male prostitute?"

Isabela: "Are they that cheap today? Will they go for 200 pesos?"

Basti: "The cheaper, the more dangerous. They have a higher chance of harboring the virus....God! I can't believe you're really considering that. Baka mag walk-out nanaman yun."

Isabela: "So, ano nga?"

Basti: "How about a self-help book? Idiot's guide to coming out or Stepping out of the closet for dummies. Hehehe"

Isabela: "I guess, we need a copy of those too." 

Toink....A dose of your own medicine. 

photo from here

You Taught me how to Love

Continued...

"Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love."

Back to reality....

The progress of my moving on phase suddenly went back to 0. But I have to be strong. I have to go on. I finally opened the storage box where I kept our album of memoirs to dispose it. I could smell Harry's Bvlgari Soir when I found it (He sprayed Bvlgari Soir on his first letter to me). I opened the album and read some of his letters. And there...my moving on progress was pushed back further to negative 50. I was already sobbing. 

Some excerpts from Harry's letters:

June 25, 2011:

."..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

August 25, 2011:

"...it was on that day that I realized how much you really, truly, deeply love me. You may be apathetic, not expressive, unable to text me all the time, or unable to accommodate my urges for us to meet up, but I know that you have my best interests at heart. And with this, I have learned to just simply trust. No more buts. No more what ifs. No more envy. No more doubts. It's not about making up my mind to trust in you for the sake of the relationship. Now my heart truly trusts in you and your love. Thank you, my boyfie Basti, for loving me so much! It has changed me to a better man. Thank you for making me a believer of a love as pure and as true as yours..."

November 19, 2011....our relationship began to fall apart

"...I miss the way you...

...treat me like I'm your most important person in the world...to plan what we'll be doing for the day together...or simply tell me of your plans for the day...

...used to feel like my brother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my partner, my soulmate...and I'm afraid that you're losing interest...and I am trying my best to make you open up...but I'm sad that I'm missing all the things I mentioned above, and I hope you can go back to the way you were. I miss the Basti I used to know from the first few months that we met up. I just hope that you can tell me what's on your mind...because I cannot imagine how I can be with someone who doesn't even talk with me about his life and about his plans about our future together..."

November 20, 2011:

"....please do your best. I really need this from you. I want what we have to last a lifetime... with heartaches and love...Boyfie M.D."

And so, at the time, I realized where I went wrong. After that letter in November 19, 2011, we were like fighting and making-up almost every week. He complains of my lack of emotional input and how I began to lose interest on him. Well, looking back, with the way I acted, it really seemed like I was drifting away from him. From November up to our last months together, he was just overlooking past my mistakes, and he was even the one making an effort to save the relationship. Then, in March 2011, I had the nerve to break up with him. 

Indeed, Harry was right. On the last night we talked, he told me that if he chose not to overlook past my faults before, we would have been over longer. Looking back, what I did to him was really unfair and he has all the right not to entrust his heart to me again. I really still love Harry, but I now, I realized that it's someone's turn to  take good care of his heart...someone better than me. And so, after all the drama this afternoon, I decided to move on again and set him free. I won't bother you again Harry. 

As I was holding our album of memoirs, I thought of how I would get rid of it. I looked over my window and saw the river. There's no better way to end a year-long drama but with a drama...Throw it to the water, like what Rose did to the Heart of the Ocean.... But the river patrol might catch me and arrest me for littering... How about setting it into flames?...which could set the fire alarm of the whole condominium...Or tear it apart...hopefully I could get through the hard cover...Well, my creative imagination just went playful again. I just placed it back to the storage box and sealed it. I don't need all that symbolic disposal of memories. I just need a night of booze and party!!

But seriously, after getting drunk, I need to rely on my own emotional strength in order to move on. I may be surrounded by his memories but I guess, all the lessons I learned from this relationship will help me get through this and make me a better boyfriend in the future. The physical representation of him will eventually be just a reminder of what I should be. It would be a challenge to stick around his memoirs, but I need it to conquer the pain and have the will to go on.

Thank you Harry for everything. Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love. 

I hope I could find someone like you and I hope you'll find someone better than me. I won't forget you. 

Part 1

The Acceptance

"..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

A month ago, Harry finally replied to my messages. I asked for forgiveness and told him that I'll do anything to undo the past. ( By the way, I never cheated. I was actually the one who broke up with Harry apparently for no valid reason. Yup, I was a jerk and it took me a while to realize that.) He told me to wait and we'll see if we could make it work out again. But he told me not to bother him in the process and allow him to think. He'll just let me know if he's ready again. And so, there was hope...

A few days ago, I messaged Harry and greeted him happy birthday. It was 5 days late. On the day of his birthday, I was busy making up for my absences because a week before that, I was hospitalized due to dengue fever. (I suddenly remembered that a year ago, I gave him a great birthday treat...with my tongue...hihihihi). I was not able to track the days and before I knew it, it was already 5 days past his birthday. He replied. We talked. Then, finally, he said that he gave it a thought. He said no. We could never be together again. He told me that he could never entrust his heart to me again.

And so, it's finally over. After 9 months, I finally convinced myself to move on and forget about Harry. No matter how hard it is, I have to. So, I began by deleting our photos together. The stuffed animals that he gave me are too cute. So I chose to keep them. Our album of memoirs is hidden in one of the storage boxes which I haven't opened yet since I moved in to my new place. I was too lazy to look for it so I decided to keep it where it is. Finally, I am in the moving on phase!

Just this morning, my sister and I were shopping in a nearby supermarket. My sister knows very well my favorite chips. She grabbed a bag of Doritos, Moby Caramel Puffs and finally, red Tortillos. Then, she asked me to help her find something for her monito monita. Their theme is something white worth 30 pesos.  First, she grabbed a bar of Toblerone white chocolate which is worth 50 pesos. I suggested that she get something cheaper. I saw Choco Mucho white chocolate bars worth 6.95 each. I got 5 pieces which is just a little over 30 pesos. Then, suddenly, the supermarket's radio played Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean's Don't you wanna stay. Okay. What's with all these coincidence? It seems like the world wants to see me breakdown in the middle of the supermarket.

Flashback...

When Harry and I were just texting, he asked me if I like country music. I told him that I'm not a fan. He was quite disappointed because he really liked a country music that keeps on playing in a fastfood where he was studying for the board exam. He sent me a link of the song and begged me to listen to it. The link led me to the song "Don't you wanna stay" by Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean. Well, I liked the song. It was the first song that Harry shared to me. When Harry and I became a couple, it became sort of our unofficial theme song. Hahaha. Ang corny. 

Another Flashback....

When Harry and I was just in the getting to know each other stage, he asked me what are my comfort foods. I told him that whenever I'm stressed, I go to a nearby 7/11 store and buy a white Choco Mucho bar or barbecue-flavored Tortillos (the red one).

I was a surgery junior intern then when we first met. Surgery is a very stressful rotation. I rarely get some sleep when I am on duty. One day, Harry wanted to meet up with me. I was from a 36-hour duty that time, nevertheless, I wanted to see him. When we were at my place, I asked him if I could take a nap first because I was really very sleepy. I told him to wake me up because I have to wash some of my uniform since I have nothing to wear for the following day. He agreed but he also told me that he can't sleep over because he told his mom that he's coming home that night. Then, we kissed then he cuddled me to sleep. 

At around 11pm, I woke up then realized that Harry had already left. I kindda felt bad when he left without telling me because I didn't have the chance to kiss him good-bye. I went downstairs to do my laundry but to my surprise, my uniform was already washed and hung to dry. Then, I noticed a note on the dining table saying....

"I didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping soundly. I left you some comfort food. Love you." 

And below the note is a box of Choco Mucho and a bag of red Tortillos. My heart fell instantly. It was the best kilig moment I had in my entire life. It was the sweetest thing that a guy did for me. 

To be continued...