The Brides Man

As medical internship ends, now comes the board review season where fresh graduates cram everything that they have learned for the past 5 years into their brains for a short period of 3 months.  Isabela (my lesbian best friend) and I are now staying in different sides of the metro since she opted to review in a far far away land called Farview QC. I chose to stay in the comforts of my dirty, old, but gay Manila. Once in a while, when we get tired of studying, or just miss each other, we would SMS each other about our random thoughts. 

This morning, after I get tired of studying bloody vaginas and wrinkled gooey babies that come out of them (read: Obstetrics), I sent her a message and had this conversation:

Basti: So now that same-sex marriage is legal in some countries, do you consider doing it with Fatima?

Isabela: Yes, we have talked about that. The problem is, who would come?

Basti: Me! Me! Me! *hands eagerly raised* Just make sure you'll do it in France. And yeah, pay for my airfare. Otherwise, your only willing guest won't be able to come. :(

Isabela: Ask your Mr. Right to pay for your plane ticket.

Basti: But I don't have one. :( So, who will stand as your maid of honor...or best man....whatever you call that...ehem....

Isabela: You of course! 

Basti: I have a dilemma though. So who shall I hire on your bridal shower, a male stripper, or a female stripper? Hihihihi.

Isabela: Hmmmm. I'd still go for a male stripper.

Basti: How 'bout the cake? Shall I order a dick-shaped one or a vagina-shaped one? Hihihihi

Isabela: Grrr! You! 

(Isabela still doesn't consider herself a total lesbian and hates the label. She prefers bisexual....Okay...)

Basti: Peace! I love you! Please don't make me wear a dress!

Isabela: Sure, you'll wear a tux. Sleeveless, bow tie, shorts...and bunny ears...

Basti: @#$%^!

photo from here

My best bud's unintentional coming out

So Grindr has been in existence for quite a while now but I've been living under a rock as well. I installed the application just recently,  and got addicted instantly. Grindr is like a real, tangible gaydar, or as we call it in the medical field, an ancillary procedure that  aids us in confirming what our clinical eye is telling us. I've been hanging out in coffee shops a lot lately to review for the board exams. Being situated in Manila's gay district, any hot or metrosexual guy tinkling with his phone would call for a gaydar check. A few clicks and boom! Someone's just 20 meters away. Well, I don't have any intention of introducing myself to these guys (my profile does not have a face picture and my name is just suggestive of my career) and end up hooking up with them. It's just fun when you find out what they are hiding and there's a fulfillment when you realize that your gaydar is somehow accurate.

FYI, I haven't met anyone personally from this app... well... except for this guy....

One rainy afternoon, while I was studying in a coffee shop, a hot guy came in (Ok, this is not the guy that I met, wish ko lang). So I turned on my portable tangible gaydar, but no one is nearby. Negative. So either this guy is not online, not a Grindr user, or he's just straight. But before I turned it off, there's that small red dot in one of the profiles, meaning, I got a message. It's a nameless, faceless, wordless profile some 500 meters away from me. So he's probably not in the coffee shop. I read the message anyway. He said, "Let's fuck." Thinking that this might be one of those randy airheads, I just ignored the message.

For the following days, I came back to the coffee shop to study and as hot guys came in, I turn on my Grindr. But instead of getting positive results, I get messages from the same nameless profile which I don't reply to. "Hey" "Yo" "What's your number?" "Anong height mo?" Persistent si kuya.

One day, while I was at home studying, I got tired of reading and went online. Nameless profile messaged me again and said, "Sex?" Hmmmm. I got so curious of who this guy is. So I replied, "Got pic?" There was a lag while the picture was downloading so while waiting, I was thinking, "Siguro  mukha tong tambay na malibog." A few seconds later, I was shocked.

"Keith, would it be awkward if I'll tell you that I've known you for a long time?" I told him. "Who are you?" He replied. "It's me, Basti."....

I've known Keith since high school. We somehow look like each other, and act similarly. Silent, gentle and studious. We became classmates in our senior year when he got promoted to the first section. We were really not that close but somehow, we had more interaction with each other when we became classmates.One time, in a boy scout camping, he forgot to bring a blanket. We were in a mountain then in the middle of January, so night temperatures are really low so I willingly shared my blanket with him.... Okay, I kindda have some itsy bitsy crush on him. Nothing happened under the shared blanket, okay.

After senior year, we went to the same UP campus and took different courses in neighboring colleges, so we see each other a lot. I was hoping that we could be roomies, but since he's on a tight budget, he chose a cheaper dormitory. My feelings for him was still there, but didn't flourish since I know that hanggang friends lang kami. And besides, though I find his orientation questionable, he was courting a girl in high school (typical falling-in-love-with-best-bud dilemma). College went by swiftly. Serena (my other college bestfriend mentioned in one of my posts), Keith and I became closer. Unfortunately, Keith failed in some of his subjects and was not able to graduate on time (And being good, supportive friends that we are, Serena and I bullied him for being an irregular student.).

After college, we pursued different paths. Serena worked as a nurse, Keith eventually graduated from college, while I went to medical school. Keith then redeemed himself by topping his licensure exam (yes, number one, which I am very proud of) and got a high-paying job. We became busy with our chosen paths but still managed to see each other when time permits us. The last time I saw Keith was at the start of my internship at PGH. It was his sort of post-birthday treat. After that,  I never saw him again.

Back to the present...
Keith was so embarrassed. To make him feel better, I told him the typical comforting phrases... that's normal...there's nothing to be ashamed of...yaddah yaddah... I told him about my closet life and my past love life, and eventually, he asked me out. It was 9:30 of a rainy morning. He asked me to meet him in a coffee shop at exactly 11 am. Normally, I wouldn't raise a finger to dress up and would just make an excuse why I can't come. But it was Keith! I quickly took a bath and chose a date outfit... button-down polo, brown belt, brown boat shoes, brown leather bag.

He was ordering a cup of coffee when I arrived. He was wearing a polo shirt, brown pants and a pair of thong slippers and was carrying an ordinary back pack. I instantly thought, okay, this is not the date that I am thinking of. We sat in a corner, and he started talking about his life at present, his frustrations with his career and his frustrations with a guy classmate since college. Keith is in a phase where he feels like he's losing his youth, with his parents sick and his siblings going to college, most of his earnings go to his family and little is left for him to enjoy. That's why he wanted to break free sometimes and try new things.

After having coffee, Keith told me that he's glad that he could now tell all of these things to a friend. For him,  I am still Basti, his old high school and college bud, who now, can be trusted with his other secrets. Friend zoned. Period.

As for me, now that I know where Keith stands, I dunno, but my feelings for him kindda went back to life. But what scares me is that when I let him know what I feel, and he doesn't feel the same, it might just create an atmosphere of awkwardness between us and compromise our friendship.


P.S.
I used to tell Harry that he had a lot in common with my high school crush which made me fall in love with him. I was referring to Keith.

Idiot's Guide to Coming Out

Isabela texted me and asked for a favor. She needed help in finding a gift for her monito, or should I say... "monitey!" *jazz hands*.  She did not identify the person but she just described him as her gay blockmate in denial. I instantly knew that her monito is Jack. "It's Jack, right?" I asked her. "How did you know...Oh well, wala namang iba sa block namin," she replied.  

Well, Jack is utterly and overtly gay, but he just doesn't admit it...or he lacks insight of it? Everybody knows that he's gay but him. What kind of straight man craves for a facial when he's stressed, "I'm so toxic, I need some facial!" (Jack, 2012). (My naughty mind can't help but think of another kind of facial). BB cream? Ask details from him because he's a living proof of how it makes his skin blemish-free. And the walk...he could embarrass the sorority girls with his swinging hips. Yet, when he was in a comedy bar, he walked out when a gay comedian labeled him as "kalahi."

Then Isabela texted again.

Isabela: "So what should I give him? Our theme is something dangerous. I want something witty, worth 200 pesos" 

Basti: "Give him a box of condoms with holes punched out of it. It's dangerous, "

Isabela: "You're not the first person to suggest that, "

Basti: "How about a male prostitute?"

Isabela: "Are they that cheap today? Will they go for 200 pesos?"

Basti: "The cheaper, the more dangerous. They have a higher chance of harboring the virus....God! I can't believe you're really considering that. Baka mag walk-out nanaman yun."

Isabela: "So, ano nga?"

Basti: "How about a self-help book? Idiot's guide to coming out or Stepping out of the closet for dummies. Hehehe"

Isabela: "I guess, we need a copy of those too." 

Toink....A dose of your own medicine. 

photo from here

Birds of the Same Feather

Flashback

A year ago, Isabela, and I  were in the school cafeteria. She was asking about my date last night. She knew I was on a date, but she didn't know with whom. She was expecting a girl of course. Since I trust her so much, I decided to come out to her. I was so nervous and I didn't know how to start since she would be the first person to know my secret. I opened my mouth but I cannot say a word. I took a deep breath then opened my mouth again, but still, no words came out. She noticed that I was so jittery. She held my hand and said, "Relax Basti, why are you so nervous? Did you do something to her?" Then, she giggled. I sat beside her and whispered in her ear, "I am dating a guy."

Further Flashback

Three years ago, I didn't know anyone in med school. Joining a group is like a must for newbies to avoid being called a loner. So, I joined the first group that invited me to lunch. Isabela was part of it. The group was essentially a show, as we don't really like each other that much; nevertheless, we have to eat with a group so that we won't be branded as losers. Eventually, our group disintegrated as each one of us found the barkada where we really fit in. As for me and Isabela, we were never absorbed by another barkada  because we're already fine and happy with each other. Isabela and I clicked a lot. We are inseparable which made my classmates think that we're a couple. Up to this day, I think, they still believe that we're a couple in denial.

Well, I must admit that there was a time when I developed feelings for her. We're together most of the day, even on weekends. We study together...eat together...and do other things together... well, except for taking a bath. However, my feelings for her just died down eventually.

Isabela and I also have close friends in the class. One of them is Shaira. She has a sister who came to Manila to review for the upcoming civil engineering board exams. Shaira introduced us to her sister, Fatima. Fatima is a lively, talkative girl, who is always the life of the party. She easily gains friends everywhere she goes.

Fatima and Isabela became close. Soon, Isabela also considers Fatima as her bestfriend. I was happy for her because she finally found a girl bestfriend. However, there were times when Isabela would bail out on a dinnerdate with me, reasoning that she already had plans with Fatima. There were several more times when she used those Fatima-excuses. Her life seemed to be revolving around her new best friend. I got fed up and stopped talking to Isabela.

To cut the long story short, after several months, Fatima had to go back home while Isabela and I patched things up.

Just Recently

Isabela went to the city in the southern islands where Fatima lives to spend the Christmas break there.  After the break Isabela sent me a message.

Isabela: "Where are you? I wanna tell you something."

Me: "In a mall."

Isabela: "Can you go here? I'm in our favorite coffee shop."

Me: "Ok. It looks important. Wait for me. I'll be there in a few."

Isabela: "Ok. Thanks. Brace yourself."

Brace yourself... It must be something big. I hurriedly made my way to the coffee shop. It is not that far from where I am at. While walking, I began to speculate about things that she might say.

I arrived at the coffee shop and saw her sipping a cup of coffee. I greeted her and sat on the chair across the table."What is it?" I asked her.

She was smiling but her movements were jittery. It seemed like she wanted to say something but can't express it. It reminded me of someone...me a year ago when I came out to her. She finally leaned forward and placed her lips near my left ear. Then she whispered, "I have a girlfriend."

"Is it Fatima?" I asked her

"Yes, how did you know?" she wondered

"It's so obvious, duh." I replied.

"Kainis ka!" she exclaimed

After that, she told me how it began. I realized that she was already in a relationship with Fatima months before I came out to her.  "Gago ka! Naunahan mo pa pala ako!" I told her.

She then asked me, "Do you think... we clicked...because we're both gay?"

We both burst into laughter.

photo from here

Shattered Pieces of Enmity

A sparkling diamond I am not,
Though I’m priceless, an iron, I can’t cut,
A sturdy marble I am neither,
For a majestic temple, I cannot shoulder.

You see me as a stone, for like a stone I am frozen,
Trample upon me, I would roll over but I’ll stay even.
But look keenly, closely and you will see,
I’m as scratched and wounded, as anyone would be.

I am a delicate glass; I contain your woe,
I beseech you, stop filling it, for it will overflow,
Your cold hands that shall touch this fargility,
Shall shatter me into pieces of acrimony.