Another Ghost from the Past

The room assignments for the board exams are out. 

All takers who registered for this year's licensure exam are arranged alphabetically according to their family names, distributed among 3 testing centers in Manila. With heart pounding (because the release of room assignments is basically telling you that the board exams are just 4 days away), I checked my name online. I was quite relieved when I found out that some of my friends (surnames starting in C and D) were assigned in the same floor and building. I wouldn't be that much of a loner during break time. As I went through the names of my classmates and friends, I came across a very familiar name, just 3 rooms away from mine. It was Adrian's.

Adrian is a graduate of a Catholic medical school under the Benedictine order and he was an intern from a private hospital in a posh district in San Juan. I dated him back then. Nothing happened between us, which is probably the reason why he never called back. He kindda made it clear that he's just after his ulterior motives (which is, in his own words, "play" with me).

So the day of the exams came, and I totally forgot about the chances of encountering Adrian again. Well, taking the board exams make you think of other more important stuff,  like PASSING the exam! Before the start of the first test, we were allowed to go to the bathroom. After taking a leak, I checked myself out on the mirror behind someone who is washing his face on the lavatory. When he raised his head, I noticed that he stared at me through the mirror. Well, it's probably normal to check out the person using the mirror behind you, so I just left, forgetting about the incident. 

Then, the second day of exams came, now, people are more relaxed and are more aware of the people around them. Since there is heavy traffic in front of the testing center because of the road construction, my friends and I were dropped off somewhere near and we went on foot for the rest of the way. While we were walking, we passed by the guy who checked me out through the mirror the day before. He's buying cigarette from a takatak boy. And that's when it hit me... Adrian was a smoker. Honestly, I forgot how he looked like, or I guess, he gained a little weight. I just ignored the idea of bumping into him. So what? It wouldn't affect how I would take the exams.

The second day went by like a breeze. While I waited for my friends along the corridor, there he was on the other end. We glanced at each other but I showed no signs of recognition or anything. I quickly turned to another angle pretending that it's one of those accidental glances you make with random people. Finally, my friends came and as we went down the stairs, I saw him in my peripheral vision, following us up to the parking lot. Fortunately, our sundo was early and we were picked up right away. Then, the second week of exams came. I dunno if it's me, or it's just him try to get near me all the time. CR breaks, lunch breaks, in between breaks... papampam much! 

On the last day of exams, I accompanied my friends to a nearby church. I sat on a bleacher at the back as I waited for my friends to say their prayers. I've forgotten how grand Catholic Churches are since I became a Protestant. The last time I went inside one was during my father's burial (because his other family is Catholic) and so I just spent the rest of my time looking around, appreciating the architecture of the all-steel, gothic-inspired church. What caught my attention is a guy praying intently, his head bowed down, eyes tightly shut, his hands almost hugging the crucifix hanging near the entrance of the church. I instantly recognized that he's Adrian. Pati ba naman dito? But slowly, my bitterness turned into compassion as I could see, he might be going through a desperate situation.

Heavy rain was pouring outside the church as Maring started to devastate the metro. Our sundo took a while to come as the streets start to flood. I decided to go out of the church to wait. As I stand under the shade of the church's entrance, a guy stood just a foot away in front of me. Seriously Adrian? There's like 30 square meters of space and you decided to stand in front of me? Like a reflex, I went away, opened my umbrella and just waited under the rain. And yeah, I realized, seriously? There's 30 square meters of space under the shade and I had to stay under the rain...drama much! I guess that sent him the signal that there's no way I'm initiating a conversation. Anyway, from my position, I get to observe him more. Seems like he had no umbrella and he's figuring out a way to get to a ride. Later on, I saw him take out his hanky, put it on his head and skipped in between the puddles of water. I watched him as he made his way out of the gate and fade away from my sight. 

I watched him take the wrath of the weather, as he took the wrath of my bitterness. But then, I also remember the image of a desperate guy hugging a crucifix. Was all that papampam a call for comfort? Perhaps he needs to hear from someone that he's not the only one who finds the exam difficult, or maybe listen to some words of encouragement. Would it have been better if I offered him a ride, or shared my umbrella until he got a ride, or at least I said something nice? I guess, I should have done that, but I was short sighted, overcame by an emotional turmoil from the past. Oh well, for now, he has to endure the wrath of Maring and the wrath of Basti. Anyway, jerks need a little bit of spanking from time to time. I just wish the best for both of us. 

photo from here

Ulterior Motive

After a loooooong time of grieving over a failed relationship, I finally decided to go back to the dating scene. I've been chatting with a guy for several days. His name is Adrian. He is also a post-graduate medical intern from a private hospital near my new place. Our conversation started with questions about my past relationship. Then we also talked about our work and our plans in our career. He wants to be an otorhinolaryngologist. I told him that I could be his anesthesiologist. It was a good conversation that finally led to exchange of numbers.

The following morning, we started texting each other. It was a busy day for me. It started with rounds, followed by my reporting about embryology. After that, I had to go to the operating room to assist in a surgery. After the surgery, I had to attend another rounds to present a case of a patient. Then, my friends  suddenly decided to donate blood. So, with peer pressure, the next thing I knew was there was a large-bore needle stuck in my arm. In between these activities, I managed to reply to him and update him what was happening to me. 

After donating blood, I decided to rest in our call room first before going home ( I have a history of fainting after donating blood). I checked my phone and there was a message from him. He was asking me out. I asked him where he wanted to eat. I suggested a mall near the hospital where I am at. However, I realized that he is coming all the way from Greenhills, so, knowing that my place is just a few minutes away from his hospital, I decided to meet up with him in my condo.

He came early. I asked him to wait for me in a convenience store nearby. He was still wearing his uniform: a short-sleeved polo, white pants and black leather shoes. He was carrying a back-pack and his white coat was hanging on one of his arms. He stands about my height with short clean-cut hair. Like me, he was also wearing eye glasses. He looks neat and presentable. I introduced myself and led him to my unit.

I offered him snacks and soda and we began talking about hospital stuff. Then it shifted to my ex which later on shifted to questions about our sexual position. Then he told me to ask him anything and he will be honest. I asked him if he had been into a relationship before. He said no...but he has "played" with guys before. Then, my sister came. I introduced him as a co-intern. We just decided to eat somewhere else.

We resumed our conversation in a fast food nearby. We had a good chat but my sister texted me, telling me it's time to go home. So, it's time to part ways. He hailed a cab and waved goodbye.

When I was home, he texted me again. He told me that he had a good time but it was "bitin". He admitted that he has ulterior motives. He said that when he was about to make a move, my sister came. He told me that he hesitated to be aggressive at first because it seems like I'm not game for some wild stuff.  In the middle of the conversation, I got so sleepy and dozed off. When I woke up, he sent a message telling me that if I get to know him better, I'll see his darker side. I asked him what's that and told him that I won't judge him. He did not answer my question but told me instead that every person has a dark side. I was really sleepy so I told him that it's time to hit the sack. I told him that I really enjoyed his company. The conversation ended well.

The following morning, I greeted him good morning. There was no reply. I kept on checking my phone from time to time. There was no reply.

The following day, I sent him another message. Still there was no reply. Then, I decided to just stop sending messages. I don't wanna appear as the needy one.

I really hate that feeling when everything seems alright then suddenly, that guy would just disappear out of nowhere without any closure. It now makes me think that he was just after his ulterior motives after all but failed to achieve them; hence, leaving me just like that. Then, later on, it made me realize that perhaps, that that is the dark side that he is talking about. 

photo from here