You Taught me how to Love

Continued...

"Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love."

Back to reality....

The progress of my moving on phase suddenly went back to 0. But I have to be strong. I have to go on. I finally opened the storage box where I kept our album of memoirs to dispose it. I could smell Harry's Bvlgari Soir when I found it (He sprayed Bvlgari Soir on his first letter to me). I opened the album and read some of his letters. And there...my moving on progress was pushed back further to negative 50. I was already sobbing. 

Some excerpts from Harry's letters:

June 25, 2011:

."..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

August 25, 2011:

"...it was on that day that I realized how much you really, truly, deeply love me. You may be apathetic, not expressive, unable to text me all the time, or unable to accommodate my urges for us to meet up, but I know that you have my best interests at heart. And with this, I have learned to just simply trust. No more buts. No more what ifs. No more envy. No more doubts. It's not about making up my mind to trust in you for the sake of the relationship. Now my heart truly trusts in you and your love. Thank you, my boyfie Basti, for loving me so much! It has changed me to a better man. Thank you for making me a believer of a love as pure and as true as yours..."

November 19, 2011....our relationship began to fall apart

"...I miss the way you...

...treat me like I'm your most important person in the world...to plan what we'll be doing for the day together...or simply tell me of your plans for the day...

...used to feel like my brother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my partner, my soulmate...and I'm afraid that you're losing interest...and I am trying my best to make you open up...but I'm sad that I'm missing all the things I mentioned above, and I hope you can go back to the way you were. I miss the Basti I used to know from the first few months that we met up. I just hope that you can tell me what's on your mind...because I cannot imagine how I can be with someone who doesn't even talk with me about his life and about his plans about our future together..."

November 20, 2011:

"....please do your best. I really need this from you. I want what we have to last a lifetime... with heartaches and love...Boyfie M.D."

And so, at the time, I realized where I went wrong. After that letter in November 19, 2011, we were like fighting and making-up almost every week. He complains of my lack of emotional input and how I began to lose interest on him. Well, looking back, with the way I acted, it really seemed like I was drifting away from him. From November up to our last months together, he was just overlooking past my mistakes, and he was even the one making an effort to save the relationship. Then, in March 2011, I had the nerve to break up with him. 

Indeed, Harry was right. On the last night we talked, he told me that if he chose not to overlook past my faults before, we would have been over longer. Looking back, what I did to him was really unfair and he has all the right not to entrust his heart to me again. I really still love Harry, but I now, I realized that it's someone's turn to  take good care of his heart...someone better than me. And so, after all the drama this afternoon, I decided to move on again and set him free. I won't bother you again Harry. 

As I was holding our album of memoirs, I thought of how I would get rid of it. I looked over my window and saw the river. There's no better way to end a year-long drama but with a drama...Throw it to the water, like what Rose did to the Heart of the Ocean.... But the river patrol might catch me and arrest me for littering... How about setting it into flames?...which could set the fire alarm of the whole condominium...Or tear it apart...hopefully I could get through the hard cover...Well, my creative imagination just went playful again. I just placed it back to the storage box and sealed it. I don't need all that symbolic disposal of memories. I just need a night of booze and party!!

But seriously, after getting drunk, I need to rely on my own emotional strength in order to move on. I may be surrounded by his memories but I guess, all the lessons I learned from this relationship will help me get through this and make me a better boyfriend in the future. The physical representation of him will eventually be just a reminder of what I should be. It would be a challenge to stick around his memoirs, but I need it to conquer the pain and have the will to go on.

Thank you Harry for everything. Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love. 

I hope I could find someone like you and I hope you'll find someone better than me. I won't forget you. 

Part 1

Vulnerable Moments

My right hand is sore after doing dozens of internal examinations.  In my 36 hours of duty, I delivered 10 babies; 9 vaginally, 1 operatively. Apart from that, I assisted in one exploratory laparotomy and 3 curettes. As 8 o’clock in the morning was approaching, everyone was scrambling to get home since it’s a holiday weekend. I had to go overtime because we had one more pending cesarean section delivery. After the operation, all of my service mates were already gone. I lied on a tiny cushion in our dressing room for a while. I was thinking of where to unwind after my duty. My sister went to our province…my boyfriend and my bestfriend are on duty…I have no contact with my college friends anymore. Alone, tired and with nowhere to go to but my empty apartment, I decided to just close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber.

It’s already 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I woke up. I was still on my bloody scrubs. I had a quick bath first before going home. On my way, I decided to buy something for dinner. Just to make my pathetic day more pathetic, I bought instant noodles and some chips for dinner. When I got home, I took off my clothes, went directly to my bed and slept for another 12 hours. So, I never had the chance to eat my pathetic dinner which makes me more pathetic because like a penniless vagabond, I slept with nothing in my stomach.

When I woke up, I checked my facebook and found the Coca-cola happiness truck video.

I found myself smiling and clapping as different kinds of surprises came out of the Coca-cola truck. After the watching the video, my mood was slightly uplifted but just for a few seconds. The idea of "everyone is so happy..." was suddenly followed by "...but me" in my mind. Then, my eyes started to well up with tears and I started sobbing. I can't find a reason for the sudden burst of inappropriate emotion. It doesn't happen to me a lot..actually it never happened before. 

I went to my fridge to get something. Coincidentally, there was a bottle of Coca-cola inside, which did comfort me a bit. I checked my facebook again and saw a picture of my classmate, who is a single mother, with her son in Serendra. I checked her other pictures. I saw one where she's with her family eating out. Thinking that it would be the my first Halloween without my family, I started to sob again. Then the idea  of not being able to spend Christmas with my family this December came into my mind, so, I sobbed louder.
As I recovered from my emotional stint, I asked myself, if the Coca-cola truck can read my mind and it could give me the thing that could make me happy right now, what would it be? Then, I received a phone call from my boyfriend. He told me that he would be off by 6 o'clock...
Ok. I think I just pushed the truck's red button. ;)

An Elegy to thy Memory, Father

This poem is inspired by the story of my father and I. He is now 81 and has Alzheimer's disease.

An Elegy to thy Memory, Father

In thy existence, a man He bestows,
An invincible figure, as mighty as bellows,
Endowed with prudence, wisdom and astuteness,
Bequeathed to steer thy path towards uprightness.

There was a moment, the gift faltered,
Breaking the chain, left wrecked and shattered,
Every link besieged with immense animosity,
Living stones, cold, bitter, numbed by enmity.

In the midst of achieving epiphany,
There’s no room for absolution and clemency,
For now, as thou rest on that elaborate lumber,
No kind of memoir could make thee remember.

For thy health has turned against thee, as well,
Subtly stealing thy reminiscence, as thou fell,
As I sit with thee, for thee, I am a stranger,
But a voice inside wishes that thou would remember,
That I am thy son and thou art my father.

photo from here

When Rain Falls

"...when it pours, so does thoughts that make our tears fall with it. "

People are complaining and dying of the intense heat brought about by El Nino. The rain that fell today is indeed a great relief to many. I took advantage of the cold night, for tomorrow, the sun might comeback to torment me. With an iced cola, I went out and dipped my feet in the cool water that filled the pond in our garden that was previously dried up by the hot summer.

I disturbed the serene pond as I playfully paddled my feet in the water. I watched as every splash spread havoc to the entire pond. Suddenly, a large frog jumped out of the now agitated water and leaped over my lap. Like a reflex, I suddenly stood up, and shook my whole body, to drive away the terrified frog. I decided to just sit on a nearby chair for I might invoke other creatures from the pond if I disturb its serenity further.

Then, thoughts in my mind began to jump from one to another, like a schizophrenic's flight of ideas. Different thoughts...one idea leading to another, until they all ended up with sad thoughts. Issues..frustrations...failed plans...ambiguities...Now, I feel sad. I wish the rain would just fall again to conceal the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. Well, I'm not really crying. I could just imagine the MTV-ish scene.

Finally, my flight of ideas led me to a thought:...the rain…it washes away all the dirt, gives life to dying leaves and soothes the uncomfortable heat that we feel. But when it pours, so does thoughts that make our tears fall with it. The darkness and the coldness of the surrounding sometimes, make us realize that the same environment is existing within us…the feeling of emptiness.

photo from here