The Guy behind the Mask

When we first spoke to each other, I told you that you're just like my ex, Harry.

Chinese, introvert, thrifty and a doctor... well, that's what your PR profile says. After that first message, we had a long conversation. We regularly exchanged messages.You denied it at first, but eventually, I found out that we are in the same institution. You were just a clerk then, while I was your intern. I checked my FB for all the Chinese surnames in your batch, and that's how I figured out who you are.

We have already met before we first talked to each other at PR. It was several months before that. I was the outgoing post duty intern while you were the incoming duty clerk. Your co-clerk introduced us to each other, but either you're shy or snob because you just went on doing your stuff. Warren..that's your name, though it did not stick to my mind, I've always noticed you whenever we bump into each other.

I told you how we met but it seemed like that that event was so insignificant for you because you can't remember it. I could still remember every detail of it... where we were, and yes, the face mask that you were wearing because you're sick that time. But that doesn't matter, because at least, you're speaking to me now.

We have been talking to each other through PR, FB and SMS for several months and we have shared a lot of stories about ourselves. You always tell me about some significant updates in your life, like when you came out to your family. You told me a lot about your self, about how introvert you are, about how you graduated Magna cum laude and a lot more that introduced me to your character. You also never failed to update me about your dates, like your very first date with a Chinese archer, and your date with guys that I also know, like Julian...and yes... HARRY! What a small world.

Apparently, you have known each other through PR even before we met there. I was okay with you dating my ex. I was even the one who encouraged you to go out with him. (And until now, I still don't know why I did that).  I pushed you because I think that you're perfect for each other, as I have said in my very first message to you, you're just like my ex. But on the day that you met, I had mixed emotions. I don't know if I'm jealous of Harry dating someone else, or you dating someone else, who happened to be my ex. I was starting to like you that time.

Things didn't go well with you and Harry. You were so frustrated when he didn't reply to your messages. I could tell that you really liked him, and so for an unknown reason, I gathered up my courage and asked Harry what happened. He just said that he didn't feel the spark. But eventually, you got over your frustration over my ex.

to be continued...

photo from here

Would have been Perfect

Isabela is back in Manila and we are desperately looking for a nice place that's conducive for studying. After studying at the university library, we came across a small coffee shop below a hotel along a popular Malate street. We used to bypass that cafe when going to a mainstream coffee shop nearby. The place reminds me of a french cafe, with its rustic wooden walls. It really looks cozy with its low ceiling and dim lights enough for reading. 

It was a drizzly night, setting the tropical Manila weather into a more comfortable one. I checked my phone. It's 24 degrees outside. The place, however, has no regard of the weather and had its air conditioning units in full blast.

"Ahhh! Don't you feel like we're in Paris (with a silent S)? The ambiance... the musique...the weather!" I told Isabela in a French accent. 

"I've never been to Europe. But yeah, this place is cool. I mean, literally cool," Isabela replied.

Her girlfriend, Fatima, also came over 30 minutes later. We sat on a four-seater table. Of course, they sat on the same side while I sat beside my bag. We were studying productively until we started feeling the cold air getting into us. Yeah, the cold is now killing the ambience... the musique... and those French blahs!

Since I lost a lot of pounds after internship (I am now near my pre-med school weight), I began wearing my small-sized wide-necked shirts to boast how much I lost to those I know (yes, no more belly!)... and fish for compliments. However, this time, showing too much skin is really not helpful. Isabela had a jacket, which of course, she shared with her girlfriend. And yeah, they could hug without the judging stares from others, because they are girls. 

With little clothing to cover me, less fat to insulate the heat, and a sweet couple sitting in front of me, I could feel the physical and emotional coldness creeping into me. I just hugged my bag sitting next to me to cover whatever it could cover. Then, I texted Isabela and said, "Would have been perfect if Harry were here.." 

Isabela read the SMS and pouted her lips while I looked at her with puppy dog eyes. Then, she whispered  something to Fatima.

"There! You're dying!" Isabela handed me the jacket. "You still got me. Don't worry." Then she smiled.

And that made me realize, it would have been perfect.... if the place were warm enough on a cold rainy day.

As for me... I think, being single is perfect... with a great best friend by my side. 

photo from here

Boredom

Alone in my unit during one of my rare weekends. Penniless and bored, this is what I do. Got this idea from one of my blogger friends. Probably, one of my last Harry posts. 

Eating Alone

   

   The consultant told us to go back at 3pm for the consultation regarding our community diagnosis. It's just 12pm, but going home means spending most of my time traveling than resting because of all the traffic. I decided to eat lunch in a mall nearby and stay there while waiting for our consultation time. Whenever I dine alone, I always go to a Chinese restaurant which used to be Harry's favorite. Aside from being able to reminisce my moments with ex, it's in a hidden quarter of the mall with few people passing by. Therefore, there's a smaller audience of your pathetic isolation.

   One by one, the people in the restaurant  left as the clock strikes 1. As for me, I have to stay for 2 more hours. I was left alone, in a corner of the restaurant, watching the crew sweep and mop the floor. Then, a familiar lady came. We briefly exchanged glances and gave that I-know-you-you-know-me-let's-pretend-we-don't-know-each-other look. She is a consultant in another department. She also came alone and sat in a corner. As I observe her, I realized that I might be looking at myself years from now--- Successful, respected, but alone. Am I worried? No. Not actually. Why? My phone beeped.

"Hello Basti. How's your day? Dinner later?" It's from Johannes. Hmmm...I think, that alone part is still questionable. ;)

Well, I still don't know if there will be a "to be continued" link here. Just wait for that Johannes word to get "clickable".  hahaha.

photo from here

Christmas Greeting

It is the 25th of the month. For most people, the only significant event on the 25th of December is Christmas. For me and Harry, it used to be our monthsary. As I was going through my phonebook, sending personalized messages to my dearest friends, I came across his name. Dr. Harry Chan.
I promised him that I won't bother him again. But it's christmas. I guess that's an excuse. So I sent him a message. "Merry christmas harry!" A few minutes later he replied. "Merry christmas!" Then it seemed like my thumbs had a mind of their own. They began typing... "Glad you replied. Can't help but feel sad. It used to be merry christmas and happy monthsary. Anyway, I'm just starting to move on. I don't want to spoil your christmas. Enjoy your time with your family."
"Ok. Thanks," he replied
It was plain, straightforward and insincere. Harry still despises me. The Harry who used to put me in the center of his life now wants nothing but to put me out of his life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was the one who broke up with Harry. But I am the one who is still in pain. As I placed myself in his shoe, I realized where I went wrong.
Everytime I look back, I remember lots of sweet and happy memories. Those times he left me surprises whenever I wake up, the fancy dates in Manila's uptown districts, the macaroons he kept in his pocket to take home to me because he wanted me to have a taste of one of the best macaroons, the time he secretly placed the diaphragm of his stethoscope to my stethoscope because I lost mine and the cheesecake hunting we used to do.
If Harry does look back, what would he remember? The time I said that sometimes, I simply don't care, the moment when I ignored him when he was crying on the floor, the time I just kept on playing a computer game while he was doing everything just to get my attention, the monthsaries that I kept on forgetting, the guessing game that he was so excited about but instead, I chose to sleep or that turning point in our relationship when I asked him to wait for me but after raising his hopes, I turned him down again.
Now, I understand him better. He was right. I am a spineless wimp who keeps on hurting him again and again.
I told myself that I'm moving on. But everytime I see my future, I only see Harry by my side. The person sitting next to the driver's seat holding my hand when I drive. The guy I'm cooking christmas dinner with. The face that I first see in the morning whenever I wake up. That old man I'll grow old with.
So now, another confusion begins...

You Taught me how to Love

Continued...

"Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love."

Back to reality....

The progress of my moving on phase suddenly went back to 0. But I have to be strong. I have to go on. I finally opened the storage box where I kept our album of memoirs to dispose it. I could smell Harry's Bvlgari Soir when I found it (He sprayed Bvlgari Soir on his first letter to me). I opened the album and read some of his letters. And there...my moving on progress was pushed back further to negative 50. I was already sobbing. 

Some excerpts from Harry's letters:

June 25, 2011:

."..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

August 25, 2011:

"...it was on that day that I realized how much you really, truly, deeply love me. You may be apathetic, not expressive, unable to text me all the time, or unable to accommodate my urges for us to meet up, but I know that you have my best interests at heart. And with this, I have learned to just simply trust. No more buts. No more what ifs. No more envy. No more doubts. It's not about making up my mind to trust in you for the sake of the relationship. Now my heart truly trusts in you and your love. Thank you, my boyfie Basti, for loving me so much! It has changed me to a better man. Thank you for making me a believer of a love as pure and as true as yours..."

November 19, 2011....our relationship began to fall apart

"...I miss the way you...

...treat me like I'm your most important person in the world...to plan what we'll be doing for the day together...or simply tell me of your plans for the day...

...used to feel like my brother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my partner, my soulmate...and I'm afraid that you're losing interest...and I am trying my best to make you open up...but I'm sad that I'm missing all the things I mentioned above, and I hope you can go back to the way you were. I miss the Basti I used to know from the first few months that we met up. I just hope that you can tell me what's on your mind...because I cannot imagine how I can be with someone who doesn't even talk with me about his life and about his plans about our future together..."

November 20, 2011:

"....please do your best. I really need this from you. I want what we have to last a lifetime... with heartaches and love...Boyfie M.D."

And so, at the time, I realized where I went wrong. After that letter in November 19, 2011, we were like fighting and making-up almost every week. He complains of my lack of emotional input and how I began to lose interest on him. Well, looking back, with the way I acted, it really seemed like I was drifting away from him. From November up to our last months together, he was just overlooking past my mistakes, and he was even the one making an effort to save the relationship. Then, in March 2011, I had the nerve to break up with him. 

Indeed, Harry was right. On the last night we talked, he told me that if he chose not to overlook past my faults before, we would have been over longer. Looking back, what I did to him was really unfair and he has all the right not to entrust his heart to me again. I really still love Harry, but I now, I realized that it's someone's turn to  take good care of his heart...someone better than me. And so, after all the drama this afternoon, I decided to move on again and set him free. I won't bother you again Harry. 

As I was holding our album of memoirs, I thought of how I would get rid of it. I looked over my window and saw the river. There's no better way to end a year-long drama but with a drama...Throw it to the water, like what Rose did to the Heart of the Ocean.... But the river patrol might catch me and arrest me for littering... How about setting it into flames?...which could set the fire alarm of the whole condominium...Or tear it apart...hopefully I could get through the hard cover...Well, my creative imagination just went playful again. I just placed it back to the storage box and sealed it. I don't need all that symbolic disposal of memories. I just need a night of booze and party!!

But seriously, after getting drunk, I need to rely on my own emotional strength in order to move on. I may be surrounded by his memories but I guess, all the lessons I learned from this relationship will help me get through this and make me a better boyfriend in the future. The physical representation of him will eventually be just a reminder of what I should be. It would be a challenge to stick around his memoirs, but I need it to conquer the pain and have the will to go on.

Thank you Harry for everything. Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love. 

I hope I could find someone like you and I hope you'll find someone better than me. I won't forget you. 

Part 1

The Acceptance

"..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

A month ago, Harry finally replied to my messages. I asked for forgiveness and told him that I'll do anything to undo the past. ( By the way, I never cheated. I was actually the one who broke up with Harry apparently for no valid reason. Yup, I was a jerk and it took me a while to realize that.) He told me to wait and we'll see if we could make it work out again. But he told me not to bother him in the process and allow him to think. He'll just let me know if he's ready again. And so, there was hope...

A few days ago, I messaged Harry and greeted him happy birthday. It was 5 days late. On the day of his birthday, I was busy making up for my absences because a week before that, I was hospitalized due to dengue fever. (I suddenly remembered that a year ago, I gave him a great birthday treat...with my tongue...hihihihi). I was not able to track the days and before I knew it, it was already 5 days past his birthday. He replied. We talked. Then, finally, he said that he gave it a thought. He said no. We could never be together again. He told me that he could never entrust his heart to me again.

And so, it's finally over. After 9 months, I finally convinced myself to move on and forget about Harry. No matter how hard it is, I have to. So, I began by deleting our photos together. The stuffed animals that he gave me are too cute. So I chose to keep them. Our album of memoirs is hidden in one of the storage boxes which I haven't opened yet since I moved in to my new place. I was too lazy to look for it so I decided to keep it where it is. Finally, I am in the moving on phase!

Just this morning, my sister and I were shopping in a nearby supermarket. My sister knows very well my favorite chips. She grabbed a bag of Doritos, Moby Caramel Puffs and finally, red Tortillos. Then, she asked me to help her find something for her monito monita. Their theme is something white worth 30 pesos.  First, she grabbed a bar of Toblerone white chocolate which is worth 50 pesos. I suggested that she get something cheaper. I saw Choco Mucho white chocolate bars worth 6.95 each. I got 5 pieces which is just a little over 30 pesos. Then, suddenly, the supermarket's radio played Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean's Don't you wanna stay. Okay. What's with all these coincidence? It seems like the world wants to see me breakdown in the middle of the supermarket.

Flashback...

When Harry and I were just texting, he asked me if I like country music. I told him that I'm not a fan. He was quite disappointed because he really liked a country music that keeps on playing in a fastfood where he was studying for the board exam. He sent me a link of the song and begged me to listen to it. The link led me to the song "Don't you wanna stay" by Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean. Well, I liked the song. It was the first song that Harry shared to me. When Harry and I became a couple, it became sort of our unofficial theme song. Hahaha. Ang corny. 

Another Flashback....

When Harry and I was just in the getting to know each other stage, he asked me what are my comfort foods. I told him that whenever I'm stressed, I go to a nearby 7/11 store and buy a white Choco Mucho bar or barbecue-flavored Tortillos (the red one).

I was a surgery junior intern then when we first met. Surgery is a very stressful rotation. I rarely get some sleep when I am on duty. One day, Harry wanted to meet up with me. I was from a 36-hour duty that time, nevertheless, I wanted to see him. When we were at my place, I asked him if I could take a nap first because I was really very sleepy. I told him to wake me up because I have to wash some of my uniform since I have nothing to wear for the following day. He agreed but he also told me that he can't sleep over because he told his mom that he's coming home that night. Then, we kissed then he cuddled me to sleep. 

At around 11pm, I woke up then realized that Harry had already left. I kindda felt bad when he left without telling me because I didn't have the chance to kiss him good-bye. I went downstairs to do my laundry but to my surprise, my uniform was already washed and hung to dry. Then, I noticed a note on the dining table saying....

"I didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping soundly. I left you some comfort food. Love you." 

And below the note is a box of Choco Mucho and a bag of red Tortillos. My heart fell instantly. It was the best kilig moment I had in my entire life. It was the sweetest thing that a guy did for me. 

To be continued...

When Harry met Basti Part 3

Continued...

...After our first date, Harry and I continued texting. Like what he told me in our date, he wanted us to stay as friends first, and as such, we had to set some rules. First, since we're just friends, no flirting. Second, no romantic dates. Meeting up just  for a conversation is fine, but no romance should be involved. Both of us agreed to the rule.

The texting continued. But once a while, one of us would break the first rule. He told me that he really liked me and he wants this to work out. I told him I feel likewise. Then, he made a confession that on our first date, I was doing something that took his breath away and made his heart beat faster. I asked him what was it but he refused to tell me because I might do it again to make him weak. Later on, he admitted that it was whenever I looked into his eyes which made him feel my sincerity. Well, I was not doing that consciously. I guess, I was just captivated by him during that time.

Then one day, while we were exchanging messages, he told me that he is in a fast food in Malate area where he is reviewing for the board exam. He asked me about my day. I told him that I am craving for pizza since I did not get hold of the free pizza served during the afternoon conference and I am planning to grab some pizza for dinner on my way home. He then told me that he is so tempted to join me. I replied to him and said, "Would it be more tempting for you if I tell you that I am on the same street where you are right now?" He then said that he'll meet me at the pizza place.

Then, Harry came, with his same disappointing fashion sense...a statement shirt, baggy denim pants and slippers. Yet, he is still that adorable and cute guy I knew. He suggested that we take it out and eat it at my place. Hmmmm....I began to wonder...ano kaya ang intention neto? Nevertheless, I agreed and invited him to my place.

At my place, again, we talked then ate the pizza. Later on, we talked about the rules that we set and decided that we should strictly stick to them. But there he was, my adorable Harry, sitting beside me, in an intimate and private place. I could smell his perfume, Bvlgari Soir, from where I am sitting. Then, I finally blurted out, "Can I break a rule?" Then, I touched his hand and started caressing it. He did not object. His hand was warm and soft and I could feel my heart beat faster. Later on, I suddenly pulled his chair closer and then started kissing his soft lips. It seemed like the world stopped and finally, for the first time in my life, I felt the spark that people are talking about. My heart skipped a beat and there was some weird feeling inside me that I can't describe which felt really good. Nothing happened that night. We just made out. 

We only had two rules: 1) no flirting 2) no romantic dates. But I guess, those rules were just too hard to follow and in just one night, we broke both and so, our 10-month long tragic love-story began.

When Harry met Basti Part 2
When Harry met Basti Part 1

photo from here

When Harry met Basti Part 2

Continued....

Finally, I have time to write the continuation of our love story. Thanks to the boredom due to my unexpected two-day vacation. So here it is.

.....Well, fashion-wise, Harry is a turn-off. He also walks differently. His head was slightly bobbing like that dog on the dashboard of a car. But Harry does look good and neat. He sat in front of me and introduced himself. We ordered pasta and chicken and started our conversation. 

As usual, I have an awkward feeling on first dates. I get tongue-tied and then end up not talking. I can't think of a story to tell and most of the time, he was the one talking. I was just looking at his eyes and listening intently. He urged me to speak several times but I really can't think of a good topic that will make a good conversation. I tried talking about my interests like culture, history, documentaries, war movies. Well, it seemed like he does not know anything about what I was saying. He asked me if I play computer games. I said yes, I play the Sims. He had no comment and I guess it was not the answer that he was hoping for because he is more into those action-RPG type games. In the end, we just talked about what's really common between us...medical school. 

We stayed there for hours. But yeah, most of the time, I was silent. We finally realized that we do not share common interests and that the only thing that binds us is medical school. He told me that if we don't share common interests, he is afraid that eventually, we'll become bored of each other. I was starting to think that he didn't like me and that he was starting to make reasons why we can't see each other again. I really felt bad  and all I wanted to do was to get out of that place. He finally told me that we should stay as friends and see if it would work out between us. It's like he wants a trial period, where we could uncover similar interests. He told me that his previous relationship did not work out because of lack of shared common interests and he did not want that to happen between us. I agreed and thought that the future is bleak for us. 

Finally, my sister texted me and invited me over to dinner in a Shabu-shabu restaurant. It was my pass to end   the date. Harry did not know how to go home from the pizza place so I offered to accompany him to his stop. We walked and talked further. I really did not want to see him go yet, thinking that it might be the last, so I suggested that we walk, just to prolong the time we are together. When we reached the street were we were supposed to part ways, I asked him if he is already hungry and invited him to dinner (another prolonging tactic). He agreed and we ate at a fastfood where this time, I was trying hard to talk and impress him. Then, his mom called, telling him to go home. So, I had to finally say good-bye. He asked me if I would still go to the Shabu-shabu restaurant. I said yes and I 'll just walk since it's just a few blocks away. He offered to walk me to the restaurant. I asked him if he would like to go with me and I told him that I would just introduce him as a high school classmate. Harry refused and told me that he is usually socially awkward. So, we finally parted ways....

to be continued....

When Harry met Basti Part 1
When Harry met Basti Part 3

photo from here

Love you from Afar

Hello Harry. It has been five months since we broke up and up to now, I still miss you. I have a confession to make. Since you won't reply to my messages, I made a dummy account just to talk to you. Although you know me as someone else, I am very happy to at least know how you're doing now.

By the way, I have moved out of my old apartment. I left our "love dungeon" with a heavy heart  but brought with me the memories we had there...the wild sex...the cuddling...the fights...the kisses. I brought with me Xian the panda. He is now guarding my medical books. Tarshie the tarsier is mingling with the angry birds. It could have been nice making love to you in my new place. It has a view of the river and the city skyline. 

I remembered the night when I ended up things between us. It was a drizzly night. We were standing under the waiting shed of my old university. You told me that you will watch me from afar, and be happy with my accomplishments even though you're not there by my side. But then, our situation got worse and now, I know that you have no plans of talking to me or knowing how I am doing. I know that you want to bury me in the past and forget that you knew me. I understand that you can never fulfil that promise you left me that night, and so now, I am turning things around. I am here watching over you, loving you from afar.

When Harry met Basti Part 1

I never had a chance to write about how my relationship with Harry started. I promised to do so last year but I got busy with my junior internship, until we broke up. So even before I could write about how the magic began, I was already mourning about how it ended. Now, I just thought that it would be nice to document it before I move on and forget about him. 

It all started with a profile view.

I opened my PR account and checked my visitors. His username is in Latin, derived from Harry Potter. His profile picture is the cover of a Harry Potter book. His other pictures include Daniel Radcliffe and a golden snitch.  His profile says that he is a homeboy, loves puzzles and still dependent at his age (26). With that last detail, my intuition is telling me that he is also a medical student. 

I was not looking for a date or relationship during that time. It was the start of my junior internship. The final year of medical school. I am the "lowest form" of animal in the medical hierarchy. I am a slave. I need to get through this in order to get that MD degree. Sustaining a relationship would be the least of my priorities. I was just looking for friends. Someone to talk to online when I feel down. Someone who could listen to my closet stories. I found him to be a perfect online friend. So I messaged him. 

"Hey. I find your profile interesting. I think we have a lot in common."

After several days, I checked my profile again. He replied and he was also online. I forgot about the details of that conversation but what I could remember is that he told me about his family background and I had him admit that he is also a medical student. He is from a pure Chinese family. He graduated from an exclusive Catholic university and had his post-graduate internship in the hospital of the same university. He was reviewing for the board exams during that time. Then he gave me his nickname. Harry.

We became online friends. There is never a hint of romance in our conversation. We just talk about our life, our ex's and med school. After several days, he finally told me that whenever he opens his account and sees that message box turn red when I leave him a message, his heart beats faster. "Uh-oh..." I told myself. I cannot go into a relationship right now. But I also find him interesting. He never shared his face pictures to me. I never asked for them anyway. Yet, I found myself attracted to him. 

As we were talking about med school and pre-med, I was able to trace a connection between us. I have a classmate in med school who was his close friend back in college. Since that classmate is my facebook friend, I checked out her friends and typed Harry. One profile showed up. He was wearing a yellow biretta and mozzetta, the academic regalia of a Catholic university. He had small pea-sized eyes and fair complexion. I checked out his other pictures. This is definitely Harry.

Harry is cute. Average built. Nice smile. Neat. Someone you could present to your mom. So, apart from the attraction to his character, I was also physically attracted to him. So, when he asked for my number, I forgot about my i-need-to-focus-in-my-junior-internship-principle. I gave it right away and we became text mates.

Now, our conversations were marred by occasional flirting. By this time, we both know that there is something between us; however, we never talked about plans of meeting up. We both agreed that we're not yet ready for dating and it is better that we don't see each other yet. He just asked me to share  my  thoughts and what's going on in my life. Well, being a natural apathetic, I sometimes fail to do that and one time, he complained that he cannot read me and know what's going on in my mind. That scared him. 

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked me

"I'll be taking my mock exam in the morning then I'm free after that," I replied

"Okay. Let's meet up." He texted me

I was shocked. It's my first date after a very looooong time. I think I'm not prepared. I asked him why he would like to meet up all of a sudden. 

"Sometimes, I don't know what's going on in your mind. Perhaps, seeing you personally would make me understand you more. If that's what it takes to get to know you, then let's do it. I really like you Basti."

Kinilig naman ako. So, my reply was, "Yes."

He asked me to decide where we would meet up. All I could think of was Harbor Square. It's near, it's by the bay. It's romantic. But I don't wanna go over the top, so I chose a pizza place. I went there directly from my exam. I was still wearing my uniform and carrying my duffel bag. I chose a seat overlooking the bay. Then he came. His hair is shaved and awkwardly  growing. He was wearing a striped polo shirt, a baggy pair of denim pants and a pair of slippers...

To be continued....

The man who can't move on

It has been almost 3 months since I broke up with Harry and apparently, I am the one who can't move on. My room is still filled with his memorabilia and my fridge stuffed with uneaten chocolates from Harry. Every night (when I am not on duty) I sleep hugging the stuffed panda that he gave me. When I am on duty and the emergency room is benign, I go around Malate and Ermita area to eat at places where we have been to and sit exactly where we ate. Just recently, I ate at a fastfood where we had our second date, after which, he went to my flat where we had our first kiss. (Ok, my eyes are really welling up with tears right now) Then, there are nights when I just remember the first time he told me "I love you." His voice kept on playing in my head (Basti... mahal na mahal kita) until I retire to sleep. 

Now, he hates me so much. He won't forget what I have done. I didn't cheat. But what I did just hurt him so much. He "unfriended" me in facebook and he won't read my messages at PR. I did other ways to get in touch with him in the name of another person. And that's how I knew that he is now dating someone. Well, I'm glad that he is happy now.

As for me, I think, it would take longer to get over him. It is my first relationship that went over a month, and I love him so much. In the later part of our relationship, we did lose the connection, but that does not mean that I fell out of love. I still love him (I think up to now), but I have to consider other things in life that forced me out of the relationship. 

Anyway, while trying to be nostalgic of my college days, I typed MYMP in youtube and came across this video. Seconds later, I am crying again....It is what I am currently going through...

Heart of Stone

On the sandy wilderness I lay,

I watch as night consumes the day,

Alone I feel the cool breeze blow,

As sand beneath this rock flow.

In the midst of the night's darkness,

My eyes I set to the black expanse,

There I see the twinkling madness,

A feast of stars in a joyful dance.

Then a radiant star defied the rest,

Golden, glowing in its fullest,

Nurturing heavens with its light,

Standing out in the darkness of night.

Gently, the light reached my heart,

Touched my soul and to it impart,

The beauty of love in this strife,

To use one's heart in living life.

But this heart is molded from stone,

To the shadows I hid alone,

Away from the shinning glimmer,

My star lost its will to shimmer.

Without a light I was trampled upon,

Broken, shattered, I am none,

Scattered in pieces, I looked above,

I saw my star with enduring love.

“My light is dim but I am here,

Waiting for you to come near,

When thy heart is for mine to keep,

This light will shine for thy sight to reap."

photo from here

Break up

I don't want to do it but I think I had to. 
I'm so sorry Harry.
You fell in love with a worthless person.
You made the past 10 months of my life the best.
I will always cherish the memories.
The dinners, the surprises, the walks, the thoughtfulness, everything about you.
That's why it's not easy to let you go.
Thank you for the unconditional love.
I hope we'll be okay someday.

As I try to take a glimpse of you when we parted ways, I can't help but cry and wish that it's not my last glimpse of you.

I love you Harry. Always remember that. I just need to do it.
 

My Showbiz Boyfriend

In the medical world, when one finds out that you are in a relationship, the next question would be, is he/she showbiz or non-showbiz?

Showbiz for us means that he/she is also a doctor, while non-showbiz means that he/she is not. So, that makes my boyfriend, showbiz. Anyway, no one has asked me that question yet in the hospital because so far, when they ask me if I'm already in a relationship I always answer no, which is automatically followed by an irritating "why?".

There are different views of a having a showbiz relationship. Some say that it's better because both of you would understand the lack of time for each other  while some say that you're more prone to getting bored of each other since you talk about nothing but medicine and the hospital.

As for us, we never get tired of the hospital talk. Since he is 2 years ahead of me, sometimes I feel so stupid when he lectures about hormones, receptors and some other blahs, while I make him drool with envy as I tell him how I'm so tired of inserting umbilical catheters that he could only dream of doing.

So, what do we do privately? Perhaps most would answer practicing rectal examinations....ummm...wrong... *thunder*

Kidding aside, our private time is also the moment when he unleashes his deeper emotions, telling me how frustrated he is when a patient dies, or how excited he is to live with me. He tells me of all of his plans...his plans for his career and his plans for us. He even shows me his salary and bank account and after which he stuffs half of his salary in my underwear while I dance around a makeshift pole in my apartment. (Ok, my imagination is just going overboard).

Anyway, my classmate Rafael, officially came out of the closet. (I said officially because we knew it anyway). He allegedly has two non-showbiz hunky suitors. Honestly, I'm quite envious of him not because he has two hot suitors. Rafael is already out and has nothing to hide anymore. He is living true to himself. And, aside from that, I also wanna brag that my boyfriend is cute....and he loves me so much...and he is a doctor... Beat that Rafael! Beat that!

photo from here

Vulnerable Moments

My right hand is sore after doing dozens of internal examinations.  In my 36 hours of duty, I delivered 10 babies; 9 vaginally, 1 operatively. Apart from that, I assisted in one exploratory laparotomy and 3 curettes. As 8 o’clock in the morning was approaching, everyone was scrambling to get home since it’s a holiday weekend. I had to go overtime because we had one more pending cesarean section delivery. After the operation, all of my service mates were already gone. I lied on a tiny cushion in our dressing room for a while. I was thinking of where to unwind after my duty. My sister went to our province…my boyfriend and my bestfriend are on duty…I have no contact with my college friends anymore. Alone, tired and with nowhere to go to but my empty apartment, I decided to just close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber.

It’s already 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I woke up. I was still on my bloody scrubs. I had a quick bath first before going home. On my way, I decided to buy something for dinner. Just to make my pathetic day more pathetic, I bought instant noodles and some chips for dinner. When I got home, I took off my clothes, went directly to my bed and slept for another 12 hours. So, I never had the chance to eat my pathetic dinner which makes me more pathetic because like a penniless vagabond, I slept with nothing in my stomach.

When I woke up, I checked my facebook and found the Coca-cola happiness truck video.

I found myself smiling and clapping as different kinds of surprises came out of the Coca-cola truck. After the watching the video, my mood was slightly uplifted but just for a few seconds. The idea of "everyone is so happy..." was suddenly followed by "...but me" in my mind. Then, my eyes started to well up with tears and I started sobbing. I can't find a reason for the sudden burst of inappropriate emotion. It doesn't happen to me a lot..actually it never happened before. 

I went to my fridge to get something. Coincidentally, there was a bottle of Coca-cola inside, which did comfort me a bit. I checked my facebook again and saw a picture of my classmate, who is a single mother, with her son in Serendra. I checked her other pictures. I saw one where she's with her family eating out. Thinking that it would be the my first Halloween without my family, I started to sob again. Then the idea  of not being able to spend Christmas with my family this December came into my mind, so, I sobbed louder.
As I recovered from my emotional stint, I asked myself, if the Coca-cola truck can read my mind and it could give me the thing that could make me happy right now, what would it be? Then, I received a phone call from my boyfriend. He told me that he would be off by 6 o'clock...
Ok. I think I just pushed the truck's red button. ;)

10 Things I Love about Him

1. I love his naughty smile

2. I love the way he pouts his lips when he gets disappointed or when he's trying to be cute

3. I love the way he shares his interests that he's enthusiastic about

4. I love the way he caresses my feet when I put them on his lap

5. I love the way he convinces me to take a bath when I'm too tired from a 36-hour duty

6. I love the little sweet things he does to surprise me

7. I love hearing him speak Chinese while making excuses to his mom on the phone 

8. I love seeing him in his white coat

9. I love the way he moans when I wake him up from sleep

10. I love the way he steals kisses on my lips when I'm half-awake