Christmas Greeting

It is the 25th of the month. For most people, the only significant event on the 25th of December is Christmas. For me and Harry, it used to be our monthsary. As I was going through my phonebook, sending personalized messages to my dearest friends, I came across his name. Dr. Harry Chan.
I promised him that I won't bother him again. But it's christmas. I guess that's an excuse. So I sent him a message. "Merry christmas harry!" A few minutes later he replied. "Merry christmas!" Then it seemed like my thumbs had a mind of their own. They began typing... "Glad you replied. Can't help but feel sad. It used to be merry christmas and happy monthsary. Anyway, I'm just starting to move on. I don't want to spoil your christmas. Enjoy your time with your family."
"Ok. Thanks," he replied
It was plain, straightforward and insincere. Harry still despises me. The Harry who used to put me in the center of his life now wants nothing but to put me out of his life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was the one who broke up with Harry. But I am the one who is still in pain. As I placed myself in his shoe, I realized where I went wrong.
Everytime I look back, I remember lots of sweet and happy memories. Those times he left me surprises whenever I wake up, the fancy dates in Manila's uptown districts, the macaroons he kept in his pocket to take home to me because he wanted me to have a taste of one of the best macaroons, the time he secretly placed the diaphragm of his stethoscope to my stethoscope because I lost mine and the cheesecake hunting we used to do.
If Harry does look back, what would he remember? The time I said that sometimes, I simply don't care, the moment when I ignored him when he was crying on the floor, the time I just kept on playing a computer game while he was doing everything just to get my attention, the monthsaries that I kept on forgetting, the guessing game that he was so excited about but instead, I chose to sleep or that turning point in our relationship when I asked him to wait for me but after raising his hopes, I turned him down again.
Now, I understand him better. He was right. I am a spineless wimp who keeps on hurting him again and again.
I told myself that I'm moving on. But everytime I see my future, I only see Harry by my side. The person sitting next to the driver's seat holding my hand when I drive. The guy I'm cooking christmas dinner with. The face that I first see in the morning whenever I wake up. That old man I'll grow old with.
So now, another confusion begins...

Idiot's Guide to Coming Out

Isabela texted me and asked for a favor. She needed help in finding a gift for her monito, or should I say... "monitey!" *jazz hands*.  She did not identify the person but she just described him as her gay blockmate in denial. I instantly knew that her monito is Jack. "It's Jack, right?" I asked her. "How did you know...Oh well, wala namang iba sa block namin," she replied.  

Well, Jack is utterly and overtly gay, but he just doesn't admit it...or he lacks insight of it? Everybody knows that he's gay but him. What kind of straight man craves for a facial when he's stressed, "I'm so toxic, I need some facial!" (Jack, 2012). (My naughty mind can't help but think of another kind of facial). BB cream? Ask details from him because he's a living proof of how it makes his skin blemish-free. And the walk...he could embarrass the sorority girls with his swinging hips. Yet, when he was in a comedy bar, he walked out when a gay comedian labeled him as "kalahi."

Then Isabela texted again.

Isabela: "So what should I give him? Our theme is something dangerous. I want something witty, worth 200 pesos" 

Basti: "Give him a box of condoms with holes punched out of it. It's dangerous, "

Isabela: "You're not the first person to suggest that, "

Basti: "How about a male prostitute?"

Isabela: "Are they that cheap today? Will they go for 200 pesos?"

Basti: "The cheaper, the more dangerous. They have a higher chance of harboring the virus....God! I can't believe you're really considering that. Baka mag walk-out nanaman yun."

Isabela: "So, ano nga?"

Basti: "How about a self-help book? Idiot's guide to coming out or Stepping out of the closet for dummies. Hehehe"

Isabela: "I guess, we need a copy of those too." 

Toink....A dose of your own medicine. 

photo from here

You Taught me how to Love

Continued...

"Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love."

Back to reality....

The progress of my moving on phase suddenly went back to 0. But I have to be strong. I have to go on. I finally opened the storage box where I kept our album of memoirs to dispose it. I could smell Harry's Bvlgari Soir when I found it (He sprayed Bvlgari Soir on his first letter to me). I opened the album and read some of his letters. And there...my moving on progress was pushed back further to negative 50. I was already sobbing. 

Some excerpts from Harry's letters:

June 25, 2011:

."..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

August 25, 2011:

"...it was on that day that I realized how much you really, truly, deeply love me. You may be apathetic, not expressive, unable to text me all the time, or unable to accommodate my urges for us to meet up, but I know that you have my best interests at heart. And with this, I have learned to just simply trust. No more buts. No more what ifs. No more envy. No more doubts. It's not about making up my mind to trust in you for the sake of the relationship. Now my heart truly trusts in you and your love. Thank you, my boyfie Basti, for loving me so much! It has changed me to a better man. Thank you for making me a believer of a love as pure and as true as yours..."

November 19, 2011....our relationship began to fall apart

"...I miss the way you...

...treat me like I'm your most important person in the world...to plan what we'll be doing for the day together...or simply tell me of your plans for the day...

...used to feel like my brother, my bestfriend, my confidante, my partner, my soulmate...and I'm afraid that you're losing interest...and I am trying my best to make you open up...but I'm sad that I'm missing all the things I mentioned above, and I hope you can go back to the way you were. I miss the Basti I used to know from the first few months that we met up. I just hope that you can tell me what's on your mind...because I cannot imagine how I can be with someone who doesn't even talk with me about his life and about his plans about our future together..."

November 20, 2011:

"....please do your best. I really need this from you. I want what we have to last a lifetime... with heartaches and love...Boyfie M.D."

And so, at the time, I realized where I went wrong. After that letter in November 19, 2011, we were like fighting and making-up almost every week. He complains of my lack of emotional input and how I began to lose interest on him. Well, looking back, with the way I acted, it really seemed like I was drifting away from him. From November up to our last months together, he was just overlooking past my mistakes, and he was even the one making an effort to save the relationship. Then, in March 2011, I had the nerve to break up with him. 

Indeed, Harry was right. On the last night we talked, he told me that if he chose not to overlook past my faults before, we would have been over longer. Looking back, what I did to him was really unfair and he has all the right not to entrust his heart to me again. I really still love Harry, but I now, I realized that it's someone's turn to  take good care of his heart...someone better than me. And so, after all the drama this afternoon, I decided to move on again and set him free. I won't bother you again Harry. 

As I was holding our album of memoirs, I thought of how I would get rid of it. I looked over my window and saw the river. There's no better way to end a year-long drama but with a drama...Throw it to the water, like what Rose did to the Heart of the Ocean.... But the river patrol might catch me and arrest me for littering... How about setting it into flames?...which could set the fire alarm of the whole condominium...Or tear it apart...hopefully I could get through the hard cover...Well, my creative imagination just went playful again. I just placed it back to the storage box and sealed it. I don't need all that symbolic disposal of memories. I just need a night of booze and party!!

But seriously, after getting drunk, I need to rely on my own emotional strength in order to move on. I may be surrounded by his memories but I guess, all the lessons I learned from this relationship will help me get through this and make me a better boyfriend in the future. The physical representation of him will eventually be just a reminder of what I should be. It would be a challenge to stick around his memoirs, but I need it to conquer the pain and have the will to go on.

Thank you Harry for everything. Indeed, there's a reason why people come to our lives. We were not meant to be together, but I guess, you came to teach me how to love. 

I hope I could find someone like you and I hope you'll find someone better than me. I won't forget you. 

Part 1

The Acceptance

"..and so I continue to dream, to hope, to live and to love. But this time, I just can't help it. I just can't ignore what my gut feeling is telling me...And so from now on, in all my dreams, hopes and plans, you are in the center. My world revolves around you. And there's no denying it, there's no doubt in my mind... I truly am in LOVE with you BASTI...."

A month ago, Harry finally replied to my messages. I asked for forgiveness and told him that I'll do anything to undo the past. ( By the way, I never cheated. I was actually the one who broke up with Harry apparently for no valid reason. Yup, I was a jerk and it took me a while to realize that.) He told me to wait and we'll see if we could make it work out again. But he told me not to bother him in the process and allow him to think. He'll just let me know if he's ready again. And so, there was hope...

A few days ago, I messaged Harry and greeted him happy birthday. It was 5 days late. On the day of his birthday, I was busy making up for my absences because a week before that, I was hospitalized due to dengue fever. (I suddenly remembered that a year ago, I gave him a great birthday treat...with my tongue...hihihihi). I was not able to track the days and before I knew it, it was already 5 days past his birthday. He replied. We talked. Then, finally, he said that he gave it a thought. He said no. We could never be together again. He told me that he could never entrust his heart to me again.

And so, it's finally over. After 9 months, I finally convinced myself to move on and forget about Harry. No matter how hard it is, I have to. So, I began by deleting our photos together. The stuffed animals that he gave me are too cute. So I chose to keep them. Our album of memoirs is hidden in one of the storage boxes which I haven't opened yet since I moved in to my new place. I was too lazy to look for it so I decided to keep it where it is. Finally, I am in the moving on phase!

Just this morning, my sister and I were shopping in a nearby supermarket. My sister knows very well my favorite chips. She grabbed a bag of Doritos, Moby Caramel Puffs and finally, red Tortillos. Then, she asked me to help her find something for her monito monita. Their theme is something white worth 30 pesos.  First, she grabbed a bar of Toblerone white chocolate which is worth 50 pesos. I suggested that she get something cheaper. I saw Choco Mucho white chocolate bars worth 6.95 each. I got 5 pieces which is just a little over 30 pesos. Then, suddenly, the supermarket's radio played Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean's Don't you wanna stay. Okay. What's with all these coincidence? It seems like the world wants to see me breakdown in the middle of the supermarket.

Flashback...

When Harry and I were just texting, he asked me if I like country music. I told him that I'm not a fan. He was quite disappointed because he really liked a country music that keeps on playing in a fastfood where he was studying for the board exam. He sent me a link of the song and begged me to listen to it. The link led me to the song "Don't you wanna stay" by Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean. Well, I liked the song. It was the first song that Harry shared to me. When Harry and I became a couple, it became sort of our unofficial theme song. Hahaha. Ang corny. 

Another Flashback....

When Harry and I was just in the getting to know each other stage, he asked me what are my comfort foods. I told him that whenever I'm stressed, I go to a nearby 7/11 store and buy a white Choco Mucho bar or barbecue-flavored Tortillos (the red one).

I was a surgery junior intern then when we first met. Surgery is a very stressful rotation. I rarely get some sleep when I am on duty. One day, Harry wanted to meet up with me. I was from a 36-hour duty that time, nevertheless, I wanted to see him. When we were at my place, I asked him if I could take a nap first because I was really very sleepy. I told him to wake me up because I have to wash some of my uniform since I have nothing to wear for the following day. He agreed but he also told me that he can't sleep over because he told his mom that he's coming home that night. Then, we kissed then he cuddled me to sleep. 

At around 11pm, I woke up then realized that Harry had already left. I kindda felt bad when he left without telling me because I didn't have the chance to kiss him good-bye. I went downstairs to do my laundry but to my surprise, my uniform was already washed and hung to dry. Then, I noticed a note on the dining table saying....

"I didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping soundly. I left you some comfort food. Love you." 

And below the note is a box of Choco Mucho and a bag of red Tortillos. My heart fell instantly. It was the best kilig moment I had in my entire life. It was the sweetest thing that a guy did for me. 

To be continued...

Chauffeur Fantasy

Leo was just a kid when he was sent to us to work as a house helper. As a form of payment, we sent him to school and took care of his school expenses and stipend. He was just an ordinary high school with a lanky body. Nevertheless, girls from his school would always hangout in front of our gate to take a peek of him, as he immediately became the latest campus hearthrob.Since I only get to see him rarely (because I am in Manila most of the time studying), I easily noticed how he changed from a boy to a young man and I began to see what those school girls were waiting for in front of our gate. But I didn't have feelings of admiration for him...YET. Anyway, he stayed with us for several years until he suddenly left because of some family drama.

Last year, a week after the end of the academic year, I told my mom to send our driver to pick me up because I'm going to spend the rest of my vacation in the province (after all those class getaways and parties, I'm too broke to live alone). She told me to wait for another week or just take the bus because our driver had just left because of...umm...another family drama (yes, they are fond of family dramas). I decided to just wait for another week and hope that my mom could find a replacement for our driver sooner. Three days later, my mom called and told me to prepare my things. Someone is going to pick me up.

While I was waiting for the new driver, I thought of how he would possibly look like. Dark, balding middle-aged guy with beer belly. That was on my mind as they were always like that. Later on, I heard a knock and I knew that that would be him. I opened the door and my jaw dropped. It was Leo. I immediately noticed his big biceps being constricted by the sleeves of his t-shirt. His chest was so tempting to touch as it seemed to be a perfect place to rest my cupped hands. "Did Isabela send me a stripper who is coincidentally Leo?" I asked myself.

"Kuya, nasan na yung gamit mo, ibababa ko na," Leo asked me.

That answered my question. He is not a stripper. He is the new driver (but somehow I wished he was the former).

One morning...err..afternoon (come on, it's summer break) a knock on my door woke me up. It was Leo.

"Kuya, emergency, kailangan po kayo ni Tito," he told me.

 It was the campaign period and my uncle and mom were away, organizing a campaign rally in a rural village. I had a quick shower and fixed myself then I went to the garage. I noticed that the garage was empty because the vehicles were used in the campaign. The only thing left there was a motorbike that Leo was trying to warm-up. I never had a motorbike ride before but since Leo is driving, I instantly mounted on his rear side (no pun intended). Since it was my first motorbike ride, I didn't know where to put my hands. Wrapping my arms around Leo's trunk while my chin is on his shoulder and the song "Close to You" is playing is of course just one of my vivid fantasies. I just placed my hands on the metal thing below the seat. 

Then one afternoon, I was hanging out in the terrace when I saw topless Leo approaching the artesian well carrying a pail. He started to pump the poso to fill up the pail, then carried the pail to the garden and started watering the plants. Then, once again, one of those naughty imaginations came to my mind...suddenly, Leo was moving in slow-mo, pouring water not onto the plants but on himself. So, before I start drooling, I just grabbed a magazine and think of other happy thoughts....like Leo on my bed...damn it...other happy thoughts...Leo naked on the shower...God! I should really stop fantasizing about Leo.

And so, the summer vacation went by. Nothing happened between me and Leo. Seeing a hot guy everyday around the house somewhat made me get used to the scene and get over the fantasy. Summer vacation is over and so, I have to go back to my real life. It would be another year of medical school.

After several months, I came back home for the Christmas break...but now, Leo is nowhere to be found. When I asked my mom why he left again, guess what she answered... his family had another family drama.

When Harry met Basti Part 3

Continued...

...After our first date, Harry and I continued texting. Like what he told me in our date, he wanted us to stay as friends first, and as such, we had to set some rules. First, since we're just friends, no flirting. Second, no romantic dates. Meeting up just  for a conversation is fine, but no romance should be involved. Both of us agreed to the rule.

The texting continued. But once a while, one of us would break the first rule. He told me that he really liked me and he wants this to work out. I told him I feel likewise. Then, he made a confession that on our first date, I was doing something that took his breath away and made his heart beat faster. I asked him what was it but he refused to tell me because I might do it again to make him weak. Later on, he admitted that it was whenever I looked into his eyes which made him feel my sincerity. Well, I was not doing that consciously. I guess, I was just captivated by him during that time.

Then one day, while we were exchanging messages, he told me that he is in a fast food in Malate area where he is reviewing for the board exam. He asked me about my day. I told him that I am craving for pizza since I did not get hold of the free pizza served during the afternoon conference and I am planning to grab some pizza for dinner on my way home. He then told me that he is so tempted to join me. I replied to him and said, "Would it be more tempting for you if I tell you that I am on the same street where you are right now?" He then said that he'll meet me at the pizza place.

Then, Harry came, with his same disappointing fashion sense...a statement shirt, baggy denim pants and slippers. Yet, he is still that adorable and cute guy I knew. He suggested that we take it out and eat it at my place. Hmmmm....I began to wonder...ano kaya ang intention neto? Nevertheless, I agreed and invited him to my place.

At my place, again, we talked then ate the pizza. Later on, we talked about the rules that we set and decided that we should strictly stick to them. But there he was, my adorable Harry, sitting beside me, in an intimate and private place. I could smell his perfume, Bvlgari Soir, from where I am sitting. Then, I finally blurted out, "Can I break a rule?" Then, I touched his hand and started caressing it. He did not object. His hand was warm and soft and I could feel my heart beat faster. Later on, I suddenly pulled his chair closer and then started kissing his soft lips. It seemed like the world stopped and finally, for the first time in my life, I felt the spark that people are talking about. My heart skipped a beat and there was some weird feeling inside me that I can't describe which felt really good. Nothing happened that night. We just made out. 

We only had two rules: 1) no flirting 2) no romantic dates. But I guess, those rules were just too hard to follow and in just one night, we broke both and so, our 10-month long tragic love-story began.

When Harry met Basti Part 2
When Harry met Basti Part 1

photo from here

When Harry met Basti Part 2

Continued....

Finally, I have time to write the continuation of our love story. Thanks to the boredom due to my unexpected two-day vacation. So here it is.

.....Well, fashion-wise, Harry is a turn-off. He also walks differently. His head was slightly bobbing like that dog on the dashboard of a car. But Harry does look good and neat. He sat in front of me and introduced himself. We ordered pasta and chicken and started our conversation. 

As usual, I have an awkward feeling on first dates. I get tongue-tied and then end up not talking. I can't think of a story to tell and most of the time, he was the one talking. I was just looking at his eyes and listening intently. He urged me to speak several times but I really can't think of a good topic that will make a good conversation. I tried talking about my interests like culture, history, documentaries, war movies. Well, it seemed like he does not know anything about what I was saying. He asked me if I play computer games. I said yes, I play the Sims. He had no comment and I guess it was not the answer that he was hoping for because he is more into those action-RPG type games. In the end, we just talked about what's really common between us...medical school. 

We stayed there for hours. But yeah, most of the time, I was silent. We finally realized that we do not share common interests and that the only thing that binds us is medical school. He told me that if we don't share common interests, he is afraid that eventually, we'll become bored of each other. I was starting to think that he didn't like me and that he was starting to make reasons why we can't see each other again. I really felt bad  and all I wanted to do was to get out of that place. He finally told me that we should stay as friends and see if it would work out between us. It's like he wants a trial period, where we could uncover similar interests. He told me that his previous relationship did not work out because of lack of shared common interests and he did not want that to happen between us. I agreed and thought that the future is bleak for us. 

Finally, my sister texted me and invited me over to dinner in a Shabu-shabu restaurant. It was my pass to end   the date. Harry did not know how to go home from the pizza place so I offered to accompany him to his stop. We walked and talked further. I really did not want to see him go yet, thinking that it might be the last, so I suggested that we walk, just to prolong the time we are together. When we reached the street were we were supposed to part ways, I asked him if he is already hungry and invited him to dinner (another prolonging tactic). He agreed and we ate at a fastfood where this time, I was trying hard to talk and impress him. Then, his mom called, telling him to go home. So, I had to finally say good-bye. He asked me if I would still go to the Shabu-shabu restaurant. I said yes and I 'll just walk since it's just a few blocks away. He offered to walk me to the restaurant. I asked him if he would like to go with me and I told him that I would just introduce him as a high school classmate. Harry refused and told me that he is usually socially awkward. So, we finally parted ways....

to be continued....

When Harry met Basti Part 1
When Harry met Basti Part 3

photo from here

Ulterior Motive

After a loooooong time of grieving over a failed relationship, I finally decided to go back to the dating scene. I've been chatting with a guy for several days. His name is Adrian. He is also a post-graduate medical intern from a private hospital near my new place. Our conversation started with questions about my past relationship. Then we also talked about our work and our plans in our career. He wants to be an otorhinolaryngologist. I told him that I could be his anesthesiologist. It was a good conversation that finally led to exchange of numbers.

The following morning, we started texting each other. It was a busy day for me. It started with rounds, followed by my reporting about embryology. After that, I had to go to the operating room to assist in a surgery. After the surgery, I had to attend another rounds to present a case of a patient. Then, my friends  suddenly decided to donate blood. So, with peer pressure, the next thing I knew was there was a large-bore needle stuck in my arm. In between these activities, I managed to reply to him and update him what was happening to me. 

After donating blood, I decided to rest in our call room first before going home ( I have a history of fainting after donating blood). I checked my phone and there was a message from him. He was asking me out. I asked him where he wanted to eat. I suggested a mall near the hospital where I am at. However, I realized that he is coming all the way from Greenhills, so, knowing that my place is just a few minutes away from his hospital, I decided to meet up with him in my condo.

He came early. I asked him to wait for me in a convenience store nearby. He was still wearing his uniform: a short-sleeved polo, white pants and black leather shoes. He was carrying a back-pack and his white coat was hanging on one of his arms. He stands about my height with short clean-cut hair. Like me, he was also wearing eye glasses. He looks neat and presentable. I introduced myself and led him to my unit.

I offered him snacks and soda and we began talking about hospital stuff. Then it shifted to my ex which later on shifted to questions about our sexual position. Then he told me to ask him anything and he will be honest. I asked him if he had been into a relationship before. He said no...but he has "played" with guys before. Then, my sister came. I introduced him as a co-intern. We just decided to eat somewhere else.

We resumed our conversation in a fast food nearby. We had a good chat but my sister texted me, telling me it's time to go home. So, it's time to part ways. He hailed a cab and waved goodbye.

When I was home, he texted me again. He told me that he had a good time but it was "bitin". He admitted that he has ulterior motives. He said that when he was about to make a move, my sister came. He told me that he hesitated to be aggressive at first because it seems like I'm not game for some wild stuff.  In the middle of the conversation, I got so sleepy and dozed off. When I woke up, he sent a message telling me that if I get to know him better, I'll see his darker side. I asked him what's that and told him that I won't judge him. He did not answer my question but told me instead that every person has a dark side. I was really sleepy so I told him that it's time to hit the sack. I told him that I really enjoyed his company. The conversation ended well.

The following morning, I greeted him good morning. There was no reply. I kept on checking my phone from time to time. There was no reply.

The following day, I sent him another message. Still there was no reply. Then, I decided to just stop sending messages. I don't wanna appear as the needy one.

I really hate that feeling when everything seems alright then suddenly, that guy would just disappear out of nowhere without any closure. It now makes me think that he was just after his ulterior motives after all but failed to achieve them; hence, leaving me just like that. Then, later on, it made me realize that perhaps, that that is the dark side that he is talking about. 

photo from here

Love you from Afar

Hello Harry. It has been five months since we broke up and up to now, I still miss you. I have a confession to make. Since you won't reply to my messages, I made a dummy account just to talk to you. Although you know me as someone else, I am very happy to at least know how you're doing now.

By the way, I have moved out of my old apartment. I left our "love dungeon" with a heavy heart  but brought with me the memories we had there...the wild sex...the cuddling...the fights...the kisses. I brought with me Xian the panda. He is now guarding my medical books. Tarshie the tarsier is mingling with the angry birds. It could have been nice making love to you in my new place. It has a view of the river and the city skyline. 

I remembered the night when I ended up things between us. It was a drizzly night. We were standing under the waiting shed of my old university. You told me that you will watch me from afar, and be happy with my accomplishments even though you're not there by my side. But then, our situation got worse and now, I know that you have no plans of talking to me or knowing how I am doing. I know that you want to bury me in the past and forget that you knew me. I understand that you can never fulfil that promise you left me that night, and so now, I am turning things around. I am here watching over you, loving you from afar.

When Harry met Basti Part 1

I never had a chance to write about how my relationship with Harry started. I promised to do so last year but I got busy with my junior internship, until we broke up. So even before I could write about how the magic began, I was already mourning about how it ended. Now, I just thought that it would be nice to document it before I move on and forget about him. 

It all started with a profile view.

I opened my PR account and checked my visitors. His username is in Latin, derived from Harry Potter. His profile picture is the cover of a Harry Potter book. His other pictures include Daniel Radcliffe and a golden snitch.  His profile says that he is a homeboy, loves puzzles and still dependent at his age (26). With that last detail, my intuition is telling me that he is also a medical student. 

I was not looking for a date or relationship during that time. It was the start of my junior internship. The final year of medical school. I am the "lowest form" of animal in the medical hierarchy. I am a slave. I need to get through this in order to get that MD degree. Sustaining a relationship would be the least of my priorities. I was just looking for friends. Someone to talk to online when I feel down. Someone who could listen to my closet stories. I found him to be a perfect online friend. So I messaged him. 

"Hey. I find your profile interesting. I think we have a lot in common."

After several days, I checked my profile again. He replied and he was also online. I forgot about the details of that conversation but what I could remember is that he told me about his family background and I had him admit that he is also a medical student. He is from a pure Chinese family. He graduated from an exclusive Catholic university and had his post-graduate internship in the hospital of the same university. He was reviewing for the board exams during that time. Then he gave me his nickname. Harry.

We became online friends. There is never a hint of romance in our conversation. We just talk about our life, our ex's and med school. After several days, he finally told me that whenever he opens his account and sees that message box turn red when I leave him a message, his heart beats faster. "Uh-oh..." I told myself. I cannot go into a relationship right now. But I also find him interesting. He never shared his face pictures to me. I never asked for them anyway. Yet, I found myself attracted to him. 

As we were talking about med school and pre-med, I was able to trace a connection between us. I have a classmate in med school who was his close friend back in college. Since that classmate is my facebook friend, I checked out her friends and typed Harry. One profile showed up. He was wearing a yellow biretta and mozzetta, the academic regalia of a Catholic university. He had small pea-sized eyes and fair complexion. I checked out his other pictures. This is definitely Harry.

Harry is cute. Average built. Nice smile. Neat. Someone you could present to your mom. So, apart from the attraction to his character, I was also physically attracted to him. So, when he asked for my number, I forgot about my i-need-to-focus-in-my-junior-internship-principle. I gave it right away and we became text mates.

Now, our conversations were marred by occasional flirting. By this time, we both know that there is something between us; however, we never talked about plans of meeting up. We both agreed that we're not yet ready for dating and it is better that we don't see each other yet. He just asked me to share  my  thoughts and what's going on in my life. Well, being a natural apathetic, I sometimes fail to do that and one time, he complained that he cannot read me and know what's going on in my mind. That scared him. 

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked me

"I'll be taking my mock exam in the morning then I'm free after that," I replied

"Okay. Let's meet up." He texted me

I was shocked. It's my first date after a very looooong time. I think I'm not prepared. I asked him why he would like to meet up all of a sudden. 

"Sometimes, I don't know what's going on in your mind. Perhaps, seeing you personally would make me understand you more. If that's what it takes to get to know you, then let's do it. I really like you Basti."

Kinilig naman ako. So, my reply was, "Yes."

He asked me to decide where we would meet up. All I could think of was Harbor Square. It's near, it's by the bay. It's romantic. But I don't wanna go over the top, so I chose a pizza place. I went there directly from my exam. I was still wearing my uniform and carrying my duffel bag. I chose a seat overlooking the bay. Then he came. His hair is shaved and awkwardly  growing. He was wearing a striped polo shirt, a baggy pair of denim pants and a pair of slippers...

To be continued....

Perineal Hygiene

We were discussing a case of a girl with cerebral palsy in a small group discussion together with a rehabilitation medicine consultant. One of her primary problems is her spastic hip adductor muscles. To make it more understandable, the muscles that draw her thighs together are so tense, she cannot "open" them (hindi siya makabukaka). The consultant started asking questions about the problems that can be encountered with this condition. One answered gait problems. The consultant said that that is very obvious. He asked for another answer that is not that observable but could give significant problems to the patient. The room got silent as all interns think for the right answer. Meanwhile, I tried to analyze the question by replicating the problem. I adducted my hips and in doing so, I noticed that something is getting squished. Then I suddenly blurted out loud...."Perineal hygiene!" The consultant was impressed by my answer and started explaining that indeed, perineal hygiene is compromised with this problem, leading to recurrent infections. 

After the discussion, one of my co-interns asked me how I came up with the answer. I said, "It's simple...Inipit ko...common sense."

photo from here

The man who can't move on

It has been almost 3 months since I broke up with Harry and apparently, I am the one who can't move on. My room is still filled with his memorabilia and my fridge stuffed with uneaten chocolates from Harry. Every night (when I am not on duty) I sleep hugging the stuffed panda that he gave me. When I am on duty and the emergency room is benign, I go around Malate and Ermita area to eat at places where we have been to and sit exactly where we ate. Just recently, I ate at a fastfood where we had our second date, after which, he went to my flat where we had our first kiss. (Ok, my eyes are really welling up with tears right now) Then, there are nights when I just remember the first time he told me "I love you." His voice kept on playing in my head (Basti... mahal na mahal kita) until I retire to sleep. 

Now, he hates me so much. He won't forget what I have done. I didn't cheat. But what I did just hurt him so much. He "unfriended" me in facebook and he won't read my messages at PR. I did other ways to get in touch with him in the name of another person. And that's how I knew that he is now dating someone. Well, I'm glad that he is happy now.

As for me, I think, it would take longer to get over him. It is my first relationship that went over a month, and I love him so much. In the later part of our relationship, we did lose the connection, but that does not mean that I fell out of love. I still love him (I think up to now), but I have to consider other things in life that forced me out of the relationship. 

Anyway, while trying to be nostalgic of my college days, I typed MYMP in youtube and came across this video. Seconds later, I am crying again....It is what I am currently going through...

One step closer to real life

After a long wait for my internship matching, my top choice hospital finally called. 

Woman on the other line: "Are you interested to train under our institution?" 

Me: "Hell, yeah! What took you so long to call?" (Of course that was just in my mind. My real answer was a plain yes.)

Woman on the other line: "Okay, just go to my office to receive your acceptance letter and attend the orientation on..."

Me: "...April 23 and 24."

Woman on the other line: "Oh. So you know. Anyway, welcome back to our institution."

I was actually on the road when I received the call. I was on my way to my second choice hospital  to attend their orientation. They released their matching results way before my first choice hospital. Weeks before I received the call, I have already planned to move to a new city, jog around a nearby green spacious university, go to a gym after duties and buy new gadgets with my monthly stipend from the hospital. Now, I have to quickly rearrange my plans and be prepared to get stuck with polluted Taft Avenue and fishy Baywalk, receive free meals (dry meat with brown sauce and rice), instead of cash as my monthly compensation and handle loads of patients once more.

Yes, I am willing to give all of that up for quality training...so internship, please be kind to me.

photo from here

Heart of Stone

On the sandy wilderness I lay,

I watch as night consumes the day,

Alone I feel the cool breeze blow,

As sand beneath this rock flow.

In the midst of the night's darkness,

My eyes I set to the black expanse,

There I see the twinkling madness,

A feast of stars in a joyful dance.

Then a radiant star defied the rest,

Golden, glowing in its fullest,

Nurturing heavens with its light,

Standing out in the darkness of night.

Gently, the light reached my heart,

Touched my soul and to it impart,

The beauty of love in this strife,

To use one's heart in living life.

But this heart is molded from stone,

To the shadows I hid alone,

Away from the shinning glimmer,

My star lost its will to shimmer.

Without a light I was trampled upon,

Broken, shattered, I am none,

Scattered in pieces, I looked above,

I saw my star with enduring love.

“My light is dim but I am here,

Waiting for you to come near,

When thy heart is for mine to keep,

This light will shine for thy sight to reap."

photo from here

Break up

I don't want to do it but I think I had to. 
I'm so sorry Harry.
You fell in love with a worthless person.
You made the past 10 months of my life the best.
I will always cherish the memories.
The dinners, the surprises, the walks, the thoughtfulness, everything about you.
That's why it's not easy to let you go.
Thank you for the unconditional love.
I hope we'll be okay someday.

As I try to take a glimpse of you when we parted ways, I can't help but cry and wish that it's not my last glimpse of you.

I love you Harry. Always remember that. I just need to do it.
 

Medicinae Doctor

 After 4 grueling years in medical school, I am finally receiving the degree, Medicinae Doctor (MD). By just looking at my toga, I feel like my 4 years of hard work have already been compensated. 

Starting tomorrow, I will be called Sebastian Cua, MD