The Guy behind the Mask

When we first spoke to each other, I told you that you're just like my ex, Harry.

Chinese, introvert, thrifty and a doctor... well, that's what your PR profile says. After that first message, we had a long conversation. We regularly exchanged messages.You denied it at first, but eventually, I found out that we are in the same institution. You were just a clerk then, while I was your intern. I checked my FB for all the Chinese surnames in your batch, and that's how I figured out who you are.

We have already met before we first talked to each other at PR. It was several months before that. I was the outgoing post duty intern while you were the incoming duty clerk. Your co-clerk introduced us to each other, but either you're shy or snob because you just went on doing your stuff. Warren..that's your name, though it did not stick to my mind, I've always noticed you whenever we bump into each other.

I told you how we met but it seemed like that that event was so insignificant for you because you can't remember it. I could still remember every detail of it... where we were, and yes, the face mask that you were wearing because you're sick that time. But that doesn't matter, because at least, you're speaking to me now.

We have been talking to each other through PR, FB and SMS for several months and we have shared a lot of stories about ourselves. You always tell me about some significant updates in your life, like when you came out to your family. You told me a lot about your self, about how introvert you are, about how you graduated Magna cum laude and a lot more that introduced me to your character. You also never failed to update me about your dates, like your very first date with a Chinese archer, and your date with guys that I also know, like Julian...and yes... HARRY! What a small world.

Apparently, you have known each other through PR even before we met there. I was okay with you dating my ex. I was even the one who encouraged you to go out with him. (And until now, I still don't know why I did that).  I pushed you because I think that you're perfect for each other, as I have said in my very first message to you, you're just like my ex. But on the day that you met, I had mixed emotions. I don't know if I'm jealous of Harry dating someone else, or you dating someone else, who happened to be my ex. I was starting to like you that time.

Things didn't go well with you and Harry. You were so frustrated when he didn't reply to your messages. I could tell that you really liked him, and so for an unknown reason, I gathered up my courage and asked Harry what happened. He just said that he didn't feel the spark. But eventually, you got over your frustration over my ex.

to be continued...

photo from here

Ulterior Motive

After a loooooong time of grieving over a failed relationship, I finally decided to go back to the dating scene. I've been chatting with a guy for several days. His name is Adrian. He is also a post-graduate medical intern from a private hospital near my new place. Our conversation started with questions about my past relationship. Then we also talked about our work and our plans in our career. He wants to be an otorhinolaryngologist. I told him that I could be his anesthesiologist. It was a good conversation that finally led to exchange of numbers.

The following morning, we started texting each other. It was a busy day for me. It started with rounds, followed by my reporting about embryology. After that, I had to go to the operating room to assist in a surgery. After the surgery, I had to attend another rounds to present a case of a patient. Then, my friends  suddenly decided to donate blood. So, with peer pressure, the next thing I knew was there was a large-bore needle stuck in my arm. In between these activities, I managed to reply to him and update him what was happening to me. 

After donating blood, I decided to rest in our call room first before going home ( I have a history of fainting after donating blood). I checked my phone and there was a message from him. He was asking me out. I asked him where he wanted to eat. I suggested a mall near the hospital where I am at. However, I realized that he is coming all the way from Greenhills, so, knowing that my place is just a few minutes away from his hospital, I decided to meet up with him in my condo.

He came early. I asked him to wait for me in a convenience store nearby. He was still wearing his uniform: a short-sleeved polo, white pants and black leather shoes. He was carrying a back-pack and his white coat was hanging on one of his arms. He stands about my height with short clean-cut hair. Like me, he was also wearing eye glasses. He looks neat and presentable. I introduced myself and led him to my unit.

I offered him snacks and soda and we began talking about hospital stuff. Then it shifted to my ex which later on shifted to questions about our sexual position. Then he told me to ask him anything and he will be honest. I asked him if he had been into a relationship before. He said no...but he has "played" with guys before. Then, my sister came. I introduced him as a co-intern. We just decided to eat somewhere else.

We resumed our conversation in a fast food nearby. We had a good chat but my sister texted me, telling me it's time to go home. So, it's time to part ways. He hailed a cab and waved goodbye.

When I was home, he texted me again. He told me that he had a good time but it was "bitin". He admitted that he has ulterior motives. He said that when he was about to make a move, my sister came. He told me that he hesitated to be aggressive at first because it seems like I'm not game for some wild stuff.  In the middle of the conversation, I got so sleepy and dozed off. When I woke up, he sent a message telling me that if I get to know him better, I'll see his darker side. I asked him what's that and told him that I won't judge him. He did not answer my question but told me instead that every person has a dark side. I was really sleepy so I told him that it's time to hit the sack. I told him that I really enjoyed his company. The conversation ended well.

The following morning, I greeted him good morning. There was no reply. I kept on checking my phone from time to time. There was no reply.

The following day, I sent him another message. Still there was no reply. Then, I decided to just stop sending messages. I don't wanna appear as the needy one.

I really hate that feeling when everything seems alright then suddenly, that guy would just disappear out of nowhere without any closure. It now makes me think that he was just after his ulterior motives after all but failed to achieve them; hence, leaving me just like that. Then, later on, it made me realize that perhaps, that that is the dark side that he is talking about. 

photo from here

When Harry met Basti Part 1

I never had a chance to write about how my relationship with Harry started. I promised to do so last year but I got busy with my junior internship, until we broke up. So even before I could write about how the magic began, I was already mourning about how it ended. Now, I just thought that it would be nice to document it before I move on and forget about him. 

It all started with a profile view.

I opened my PR account and checked my visitors. His username is in Latin, derived from Harry Potter. His profile picture is the cover of a Harry Potter book. His other pictures include Daniel Radcliffe and a golden snitch.  His profile says that he is a homeboy, loves puzzles and still dependent at his age (26). With that last detail, my intuition is telling me that he is also a medical student. 

I was not looking for a date or relationship during that time. It was the start of my junior internship. The final year of medical school. I am the "lowest form" of animal in the medical hierarchy. I am a slave. I need to get through this in order to get that MD degree. Sustaining a relationship would be the least of my priorities. I was just looking for friends. Someone to talk to online when I feel down. Someone who could listen to my closet stories. I found him to be a perfect online friend. So I messaged him. 

"Hey. I find your profile interesting. I think we have a lot in common."

After several days, I checked my profile again. He replied and he was also online. I forgot about the details of that conversation but what I could remember is that he told me about his family background and I had him admit that he is also a medical student. He is from a pure Chinese family. He graduated from an exclusive Catholic university and had his post-graduate internship in the hospital of the same university. He was reviewing for the board exams during that time. Then he gave me his nickname. Harry.

We became online friends. There is never a hint of romance in our conversation. We just talk about our life, our ex's and med school. After several days, he finally told me that whenever he opens his account and sees that message box turn red when I leave him a message, his heart beats faster. "Uh-oh..." I told myself. I cannot go into a relationship right now. But I also find him interesting. He never shared his face pictures to me. I never asked for them anyway. Yet, I found myself attracted to him. 

As we were talking about med school and pre-med, I was able to trace a connection between us. I have a classmate in med school who was his close friend back in college. Since that classmate is my facebook friend, I checked out her friends and typed Harry. One profile showed up. He was wearing a yellow biretta and mozzetta, the academic regalia of a Catholic university. He had small pea-sized eyes and fair complexion. I checked out his other pictures. This is definitely Harry.

Harry is cute. Average built. Nice smile. Neat. Someone you could present to your mom. So, apart from the attraction to his character, I was also physically attracted to him. So, when he asked for my number, I forgot about my i-need-to-focus-in-my-junior-internship-principle. I gave it right away and we became text mates.

Now, our conversations were marred by occasional flirting. By this time, we both know that there is something between us; however, we never talked about plans of meeting up. We both agreed that we're not yet ready for dating and it is better that we don't see each other yet. He just asked me to share  my  thoughts and what's going on in my life. Well, being a natural apathetic, I sometimes fail to do that and one time, he complained that he cannot read me and know what's going on in my mind. That scared him. 

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked me

"I'll be taking my mock exam in the morning then I'm free after that," I replied

"Okay. Let's meet up." He texted me

I was shocked. It's my first date after a very looooong time. I think I'm not prepared. I asked him why he would like to meet up all of a sudden. 

"Sometimes, I don't know what's going on in your mind. Perhaps, seeing you personally would make me understand you more. If that's what it takes to get to know you, then let's do it. I really like you Basti."

Kinilig naman ako. So, my reply was, "Yes."

He asked me to decide where we would meet up. All I could think of was Harbor Square. It's near, it's by the bay. It's romantic. But I don't wanna go over the top, so I chose a pizza place. I went there directly from my exam. I was still wearing my uniform and carrying my duffel bag. I chose a seat overlooking the bay. Then he came. His hair is shaved and awkwardly  growing. He was wearing a striped polo shirt, a baggy pair of denim pants and a pair of slippers...

To be continued....

The man who can't move on

It has been almost 3 months since I broke up with Harry and apparently, I am the one who can't move on. My room is still filled with his memorabilia and my fridge stuffed with uneaten chocolates from Harry. Every night (when I am not on duty) I sleep hugging the stuffed panda that he gave me. When I am on duty and the emergency room is benign, I go around Malate and Ermita area to eat at places where we have been to and sit exactly where we ate. Just recently, I ate at a fastfood where we had our second date, after which, he went to my flat where we had our first kiss. (Ok, my eyes are really welling up with tears right now) Then, there are nights when I just remember the first time he told me "I love you." His voice kept on playing in my head (Basti... mahal na mahal kita) until I retire to sleep. 

Now, he hates me so much. He won't forget what I have done. I didn't cheat. But what I did just hurt him so much. He "unfriended" me in facebook and he won't read my messages at PR. I did other ways to get in touch with him in the name of another person. And that's how I knew that he is now dating someone. Well, I'm glad that he is happy now.

As for me, I think, it would take longer to get over him. It is my first relationship that went over a month, and I love him so much. In the later part of our relationship, we did lose the connection, but that does not mean that I fell out of love. I still love him (I think up to now), but I have to consider other things in life that forced me out of the relationship. 

Anyway, while trying to be nostalgic of my college days, I typed MYMP in youtube and came across this video. Seconds later, I am crying again....It is what I am currently going through...

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from Romeo Part 2

[…This post was not meant to be a series. I am in a coffee shop (supposedly to study) while writing this blog when one of the guys that I’m describing above (a guy from college) entered the shop. We have been chatting in PR lately and he kept on asking me out. I kept on rejecting his offer because I’m not into dating lately (well, actually, for almost a year now). I had to lower my head to hide my face behind the laptop monitor while I scramble to put my things inside my bag. I’m fortunate enough to be in the most isolated corner of the coffee shop where I had the chance to escape through the door leading to the balcony. Yes, it doesn’t only happen in movies. It happens in real life. I told you, PR makes the world smaller.]

Anyway, as I was saying earlier, PR shocks the hell out of you. The tamed ones may be the wildest in bed and the straight acting ones may be the “queerest” by conventional norms. The radiology technician intern that I was telling you never gave me a hint of queerness. He acts like the other straight technicians and calls them “Pre” or “Bro” in the most convincingly virile way. If it weren’t for my accidental discovery of his profile 2 days ago, I wouldn’t know that he’s a bottom and prefers sucking rather than be sucked.

Whenever someone I know visit my profile first, I always send him a message saying, “Huy, nandito ka din pala” (In other words, “Huy, bading ka din pala”); which will be followed by, “Secret lang natin ‘to ha” (What comes out in PR, stays in PR). However, whenever I see an acquaintance’s profile first, I don’t visit his profile with my primary account (which contains face pictures). I log in using my faceless dummy account and use that to creep him out by sending a message saying: “I know you.”

Yes, having a dummy account is fun. Aside from creeping out people, it’s a good tool for stalking. One of the guys in part 1 (my “apprentice” in the school paper and also my current schoolmate in med school), blocked me immediately when he realized that he visited my profile. Apparently, he’s hoping that by blocking my account, he would prevent me from viewing his profile so that I can’t confirm his identity. However, I was able to recognize his thumbnail picture and little did he know that I am tricky enough to have a dummy account which I used to view his profile and confirm that it was indeed him who viewed my profile. Nabuking ang beki.

My stay in PR also helped me gain cyberfriends like Carl and Jay. They have different personalities. Carl is the jologs one and Jay is the hopeless romantic one. Carl and I talk about pop culture, Manila life and local news. Jay talks about his recent dates, romance and relationships. Another interesting thing about my friends: Carl, Jay and my ex-boyfriend have one in common. They all dated a guy named Dan, who also attempted to ask me out. See, PR is such a small planet.

My closest and longest friends in PR are Josh, the cultured one and; Nix, the wild one. Josh and I talk about international relations, politics, Europe, arts, etiquette, and other fine stuff. However, most of the time, we talk about our philosophies and insights about our experiences, which help us get through the daily conflicts of life and explore our personalities better. Meanwhile, Nix and I talk about his recent “sexcapades” in the sauna or gym locker room. But aside from giving me wild accounts, Nix is a big help in my final exams (by the way, he is a doctor, an incoming internal medicine resident). Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m asking for an educated medical advice from a heavenly_ass username.

So, after all, although this planet called Romeo is crammed with horny inhabitants, there are still guys out there with thoughts other than a dick. This planet could offer you fun and satisfaction of your carnal desires, but it could also provide you with friends that will help you cope with the conflicts between our lifestyle and social norms. But yeah, they are rare gems that are hard to find. Most of the time you would probably run into the randy ones.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from Romeo Part 1

Scientists should cease the search for life on another planet because I do know a planet teeming with breathing beings. Like the earth, it is predominantly blue; but with some patches of gold and white. The inhabitants engage in an act similar to the earthling’s intercourse but they do not multiply through that. Similar to humans cradled inside placentas, the inhabitants are initially secured inside a closet, and gradually come out from that. Some choose to come out of the closet completely, while some choose to leave their head stuck inside the closet. As the beings emerge into a world of blue, gold and white, they learn to mingle, gain friends, establish a relationship or merely have fun with each other. If you’re a PLU in this country, you probably know what I’m talking about and you’re probably an inhabitant of this world. If at this point, you’re still confused about what I am writing about, and you’re beginning to think that you’re reading an extraterrestrial being’s blog, perhaps this is the point where I should introduce you to this planet called Romeo.

Planet Romeo, or PR is a worldwide social network, instant messaging and dating community for men looking for men. It’s quite popular in this country’s gay community as statistical data (yes that exists) suggest, Philippines has the second highest number of registered users (85507) next to Germany (354458), where it originated.

The popularity of the site in this country makes the gay world smaller. In my 1 year and 3 months of having an account in the site, I have seen profiles of guys I personally know: one of my high school classmates, a co-officer in the high school student council, my former “apprentice” in our high school paper (who is also my schoolmate in med school), 4 guys from my undergraduate college, 2 of my college professors, a nurse from the hospital where I am being trained, a guy from my med school and recently, a radiology technician intern in the department where I am currently rotating. So, in that sense, PR is also a way of outing gays. Well, some of them are expected to be there, as they have been triggering my gaydar ever since, but some made me jump out of my shoes in surprise. I’ve seen guys who are as tame as a lamb in person, but their PR profiles are crying for sex…wild sex. Their profiles are complete with their dick size, preferred position, fetish… and yes… dick pictures.

To be continued...