Break up

I don't want to do it but I think I had to. 
I'm so sorry Harry.
You fell in love with a worthless person.
You made the past 10 months of my life the best.
I will always cherish the memories.
The dinners, the surprises, the walks, the thoughtfulness, everything about you.
That's why it's not easy to let you go.
Thank you for the unconditional love.
I hope we'll be okay someday.

As I try to take a glimpse of you when we parted ways, I can't help but cry and wish that it's not my last glimpse of you.

I love you Harry. Always remember that. I just need to do it.
 

Medicinae Doctor

 After 4 grueling years in medical school, I am finally receiving the degree, Medicinae Doctor (MD). By just looking at my toga, I feel like my 4 years of hard work have already been compensated. 

Starting tomorrow, I will be called Sebastian Cua, MD

My Showbiz Boyfriend

In the medical world, when one finds out that you are in a relationship, the next question would be, is he/she showbiz or non-showbiz?

Showbiz for us means that he/she is also a doctor, while non-showbiz means that he/she is not. So, that makes my boyfriend, showbiz. Anyway, no one has asked me that question yet in the hospital because so far, when they ask me if I'm already in a relationship I always answer no, which is automatically followed by an irritating "why?".

There are different views of a having a showbiz relationship. Some say that it's better because both of you would understand the lack of time for each other  while some say that you're more prone to getting bored of each other since you talk about nothing but medicine and the hospital.

As for us, we never get tired of the hospital talk. Since he is 2 years ahead of me, sometimes I feel so stupid when he lectures about hormones, receptors and some other blahs, while I make him drool with envy as I tell him how I'm so tired of inserting umbilical catheters that he could only dream of doing.

So, what do we do privately? Perhaps most would answer practicing rectal examinations....ummm...wrong... *thunder*

Kidding aside, our private time is also the moment when he unleashes his deeper emotions, telling me how frustrated he is when a patient dies, or how excited he is to live with me. He tells me of all of his plans...his plans for his career and his plans for us. He even shows me his salary and bank account and after which he stuffs half of his salary in my underwear while I dance around a makeshift pole in my apartment. (Ok, my imagination is just going overboard).

Anyway, my classmate Rafael, officially came out of the closet. (I said officially because we knew it anyway). He allegedly has two non-showbiz hunky suitors. Honestly, I'm quite envious of him not because he has two hot suitors. Rafael is already out and has nothing to hide anymore. He is living true to himself. And, aside from that, I also wanna brag that my boyfriend is cute....and he loves me so much...and he is a doctor... Beat that Rafael! Beat that!

photo from here

Vulnerable Moments

My right hand is sore after doing dozens of internal examinations.  In my 36 hours of duty, I delivered 10 babies; 9 vaginally, 1 operatively. Apart from that, I assisted in one exploratory laparotomy and 3 curettes. As 8 o’clock in the morning was approaching, everyone was scrambling to get home since it’s a holiday weekend. I had to go overtime because we had one more pending cesarean section delivery. After the operation, all of my service mates were already gone. I lied on a tiny cushion in our dressing room for a while. I was thinking of where to unwind after my duty. My sister went to our province…my boyfriend and my bestfriend are on duty…I have no contact with my college friends anymore. Alone, tired and with nowhere to go to but my empty apartment, I decided to just close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber.

It’s already 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I woke up. I was still on my bloody scrubs. I had a quick bath first before going home. On my way, I decided to buy something for dinner. Just to make my pathetic day more pathetic, I bought instant noodles and some chips for dinner. When I got home, I took off my clothes, went directly to my bed and slept for another 12 hours. So, I never had the chance to eat my pathetic dinner which makes me more pathetic because like a penniless vagabond, I slept with nothing in my stomach.

When I woke up, I checked my facebook and found the Coca-cola happiness truck video.

I found myself smiling and clapping as different kinds of surprises came out of the Coca-cola truck. After the watching the video, my mood was slightly uplifted but just for a few seconds. The idea of "everyone is so happy..." was suddenly followed by "...but me" in my mind. Then, my eyes started to well up with tears and I started sobbing. I can't find a reason for the sudden burst of inappropriate emotion. It doesn't happen to me a lot..actually it never happened before. 

I went to my fridge to get something. Coincidentally, there was a bottle of Coca-cola inside, which did comfort me a bit. I checked my facebook again and saw a picture of my classmate, who is a single mother, with her son in Serendra. I checked her other pictures. I saw one where she's with her family eating out. Thinking that it would be the my first Halloween without my family, I started to sob again. Then the idea  of not being able to spend Christmas with my family this December came into my mind, so, I sobbed louder.
As I recovered from my emotional stint, I asked myself, if the Coca-cola truck can read my mind and it could give me the thing that could make me happy right now, what would it be? Then, I received a phone call from my boyfriend. He told me that he would be off by 6 o'clock...
Ok. I think I just pushed the truck's red button. ;)

10 Things I Love about Him

1. I love his naughty smile

2. I love the way he pouts his lips when he gets disappointed or when he's trying to be cute

3. I love the way he shares his interests that he's enthusiastic about

4. I love the way he caresses my feet when I put them on his lap

5. I love the way he convinces me to take a bath when I'm too tired from a 36-hour duty

6. I love the little sweet things he does to surprise me

7. I love hearing him speak Chinese while making excuses to his mom on the phone 

8. I love seeing him in his white coat

9. I love the way he moans when I wake him up from sleep

10. I love the way he steals kisses on my lips when I'm half-awake

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from Romeo Part 2

[…This post was not meant to be a series. I am in a coffee shop (supposedly to study) while writing this blog when one of the guys that I’m describing above (a guy from college) entered the shop. We have been chatting in PR lately and he kept on asking me out. I kept on rejecting his offer because I’m not into dating lately (well, actually, for almost a year now). I had to lower my head to hide my face behind the laptop monitor while I scramble to put my things inside my bag. I’m fortunate enough to be in the most isolated corner of the coffee shop where I had the chance to escape through the door leading to the balcony. Yes, it doesn’t only happen in movies. It happens in real life. I told you, PR makes the world smaller.]

Anyway, as I was saying earlier, PR shocks the hell out of you. The tamed ones may be the wildest in bed and the straight acting ones may be the “queerest” by conventional norms. The radiology technician intern that I was telling you never gave me a hint of queerness. He acts like the other straight technicians and calls them “Pre” or “Bro” in the most convincingly virile way. If it weren’t for my accidental discovery of his profile 2 days ago, I wouldn’t know that he’s a bottom and prefers sucking rather than be sucked.

Whenever someone I know visit my profile first, I always send him a message saying, “Huy, nandito ka din pala” (In other words, “Huy, bading ka din pala”); which will be followed by, “Secret lang natin ‘to ha” (What comes out in PR, stays in PR). However, whenever I see an acquaintance’s profile first, I don’t visit his profile with my primary account (which contains face pictures). I log in using my faceless dummy account and use that to creep him out by sending a message saying: “I know you.”

Yes, having a dummy account is fun. Aside from creeping out people, it’s a good tool for stalking. One of the guys in part 1 (my “apprentice” in the school paper and also my current schoolmate in med school), blocked me immediately when he realized that he visited my profile. Apparently, he’s hoping that by blocking my account, he would prevent me from viewing his profile so that I can’t confirm his identity. However, I was able to recognize his thumbnail picture and little did he know that I am tricky enough to have a dummy account which I used to view his profile and confirm that it was indeed him who viewed my profile. Nabuking ang beki.

My stay in PR also helped me gain cyberfriends like Carl and Jay. They have different personalities. Carl is the jologs one and Jay is the hopeless romantic one. Carl and I talk about pop culture, Manila life and local news. Jay talks about his recent dates, romance and relationships. Another interesting thing about my friends: Carl, Jay and my ex-boyfriend have one in common. They all dated a guy named Dan, who also attempted to ask me out. See, PR is such a small planet.

My closest and longest friends in PR are Josh, the cultured one and; Nix, the wild one. Josh and I talk about international relations, politics, Europe, arts, etiquette, and other fine stuff. However, most of the time, we talk about our philosophies and insights about our experiences, which help us get through the daily conflicts of life and explore our personalities better. Meanwhile, Nix and I talk about his recent “sexcapades” in the sauna or gym locker room. But aside from giving me wild accounts, Nix is a big help in my final exams (by the way, he is a doctor, an incoming internal medicine resident). Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m asking for an educated medical advice from a heavenly_ass username.

So, after all, although this planet called Romeo is crammed with horny inhabitants, there are still guys out there with thoughts other than a dick. This planet could offer you fun and satisfaction of your carnal desires, but it could also provide you with friends that will help you cope with the conflicts between our lifestyle and social norms. But yeah, they are rare gems that are hard to find. Most of the time you would probably run into the randy ones.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from Romeo Part 1

Scientists should cease the search for life on another planet because I do know a planet teeming with breathing beings. Like the earth, it is predominantly blue; but with some patches of gold and white. The inhabitants engage in an act similar to the earthling’s intercourse but they do not multiply through that. Similar to humans cradled inside placentas, the inhabitants are initially secured inside a closet, and gradually come out from that. Some choose to come out of the closet completely, while some choose to leave their head stuck inside the closet. As the beings emerge into a world of blue, gold and white, they learn to mingle, gain friends, establish a relationship or merely have fun with each other. If you’re a PLU in this country, you probably know what I’m talking about and you’re probably an inhabitant of this world. If at this point, you’re still confused about what I am writing about, and you’re beginning to think that you’re reading an extraterrestrial being’s blog, perhaps this is the point where I should introduce you to this planet called Romeo.

Planet Romeo, or PR is a worldwide social network, instant messaging and dating community for men looking for men. It’s quite popular in this country’s gay community as statistical data (yes that exists) suggest, Philippines has the second highest number of registered users (85507) next to Germany (354458), where it originated.

The popularity of the site in this country makes the gay world smaller. In my 1 year and 3 months of having an account in the site, I have seen profiles of guys I personally know: one of my high school classmates, a co-officer in the high school student council, my former “apprentice” in our high school paper (who is also my schoolmate in med school), 4 guys from my undergraduate college, 2 of my college professors, a nurse from the hospital where I am being trained, a guy from my med school and recently, a radiology technician intern in the department where I am currently rotating. So, in that sense, PR is also a way of outing gays. Well, some of them are expected to be there, as they have been triggering my gaydar ever since, but some made me jump out of my shoes in surprise. I’ve seen guys who are as tame as a lamb in person, but their PR profiles are crying for sex…wild sex. Their profiles are complete with their dick size, preferred position, fetish… and yes… dick pictures.

To be continued...