The man who can't move on

It has been almost 3 months since I broke up with Harry and apparently, I am the one who can't move on. My room is still filled with his memorabilia and my fridge stuffed with uneaten chocolates from Harry. Every night (when I am not on duty) I sleep hugging the stuffed panda that he gave me. When I am on duty and the emergency room is benign, I go around Malate and Ermita area to eat at places where we have been to and sit exactly where we ate. Just recently, I ate at a fastfood where we had our second date, after which, he went to my flat where we had our first kiss. (Ok, my eyes are really welling up with tears right now) Then, there are nights when I just remember the first time he told me "I love you." His voice kept on playing in my head (Basti... mahal na mahal kita) until I retire to sleep. 

Now, he hates me so much. He won't forget what I have done. I didn't cheat. But what I did just hurt him so much. He "unfriended" me in facebook and he won't read my messages at PR. I did other ways to get in touch with him in the name of another person. And that's how I knew that he is now dating someone. Well, I'm glad that he is happy now.

As for me, I think, it would take longer to get over him. It is my first relationship that went over a month, and I love him so much. In the later part of our relationship, we did lose the connection, but that does not mean that I fell out of love. I still love him (I think up to now), but I have to consider other things in life that forced me out of the relationship. 

Anyway, while trying to be nostalgic of my college days, I typed MYMP in youtube and came across this video. Seconds later, I am crying again....It is what I am currently going through...

One step closer to real life

After a long wait for my internship matching, my top choice hospital finally called. 

Woman on the other line: "Are you interested to train under our institution?" 

Me: "Hell, yeah! What took you so long to call?" (Of course that was just in my mind. My real answer was a plain yes.)

Woman on the other line: "Okay, just go to my office to receive your acceptance letter and attend the orientation on..."

Me: "...April 23 and 24."

Woman on the other line: "Oh. So you know. Anyway, welcome back to our institution."

I was actually on the road when I received the call. I was on my way to my second choice hospital  to attend their orientation. They released their matching results way before my first choice hospital. Weeks before I received the call, I have already planned to move to a new city, jog around a nearby green spacious university, go to a gym after duties and buy new gadgets with my monthly stipend from the hospital. Now, I have to quickly rearrange my plans and be prepared to get stuck with polluted Taft Avenue and fishy Baywalk, receive free meals (dry meat with brown sauce and rice), instead of cash as my monthly compensation and handle loads of patients once more.

Yes, I am willing to give all of that up for quality training...so internship, please be kind to me.

photo from here

Heart of Stone

On the sandy wilderness I lay,

I watch as night consumes the day,

Alone I feel the cool breeze blow,

As sand beneath this rock flow.

In the midst of the night's darkness,

My eyes I set to the black expanse,

There I see the twinkling madness,

A feast of stars in a joyful dance.

Then a radiant star defied the rest,

Golden, glowing in its fullest,

Nurturing heavens with its light,

Standing out in the darkness of night.

Gently, the light reached my heart,

Touched my soul and to it impart,

The beauty of love in this strife,

To use one's heart in living life.

But this heart is molded from stone,

To the shadows I hid alone,

Away from the shinning glimmer,

My star lost its will to shimmer.

Without a light I was trampled upon,

Broken, shattered, I am none,

Scattered in pieces, I looked above,

I saw my star with enduring love.

“My light is dim but I am here,

Waiting for you to come near,

When thy heart is for mine to keep,

This light will shine for thy sight to reap."

photo from here

Break up

I don't want to do it but I think I had to. 
I'm so sorry Harry.
You fell in love with a worthless person.
You made the past 10 months of my life the best.
I will always cherish the memories.
The dinners, the surprises, the walks, the thoughtfulness, everything about you.
That's why it's not easy to let you go.
Thank you for the unconditional love.
I hope we'll be okay someday.

As I try to take a glimpse of you when we parted ways, I can't help but cry and wish that it's not my last glimpse of you.

I love you Harry. Always remember that. I just need to do it.
 

Medicinae Doctor

 After 4 grueling years in medical school, I am finally receiving the degree, Medicinae Doctor (MD). By just looking at my toga, I feel like my 4 years of hard work have already been compensated. 

Starting tomorrow, I will be called Sebastian Cua, MD

My Showbiz Boyfriend

In the medical world, when one finds out that you are in a relationship, the next question would be, is he/she showbiz or non-showbiz?

Showbiz for us means that he/she is also a doctor, while non-showbiz means that he/she is not. So, that makes my boyfriend, showbiz. Anyway, no one has asked me that question yet in the hospital because so far, when they ask me if I'm already in a relationship I always answer no, which is automatically followed by an irritating "why?".

There are different views of a having a showbiz relationship. Some say that it's better because both of you would understand the lack of time for each other  while some say that you're more prone to getting bored of each other since you talk about nothing but medicine and the hospital.

As for us, we never get tired of the hospital talk. Since he is 2 years ahead of me, sometimes I feel so stupid when he lectures about hormones, receptors and some other blahs, while I make him drool with envy as I tell him how I'm so tired of inserting umbilical catheters that he could only dream of doing.

So, what do we do privately? Perhaps most would answer practicing rectal examinations....ummm...wrong... *thunder*

Kidding aside, our private time is also the moment when he unleashes his deeper emotions, telling me how frustrated he is when a patient dies, or how excited he is to live with me. He tells me of all of his plans...his plans for his career and his plans for us. He even shows me his salary and bank account and after which he stuffs half of his salary in my underwear while I dance around a makeshift pole in my apartment. (Ok, my imagination is just going overboard).

Anyway, my classmate Rafael, officially came out of the closet. (I said officially because we knew it anyway). He allegedly has two non-showbiz hunky suitors. Honestly, I'm quite envious of him not because he has two hot suitors. Rafael is already out and has nothing to hide anymore. He is living true to himself. And, aside from that, I also wanna brag that my boyfriend is cute....and he loves me so much...and he is a doctor... Beat that Rafael! Beat that!

photo from here

Vulnerable Moments

My right hand is sore after doing dozens of internal examinations.  In my 36 hours of duty, I delivered 10 babies; 9 vaginally, 1 operatively. Apart from that, I assisted in one exploratory laparotomy and 3 curettes. As 8 o’clock in the morning was approaching, everyone was scrambling to get home since it’s a holiday weekend. I had to go overtime because we had one more pending cesarean section delivery. After the operation, all of my service mates were already gone. I lied on a tiny cushion in our dressing room for a while. I was thinking of where to unwind after my duty. My sister went to our province…my boyfriend and my bestfriend are on duty…I have no contact with my college friends anymore. Alone, tired and with nowhere to go to but my empty apartment, I decided to just close my eyes and fall into a deep slumber.

It’s already 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I woke up. I was still on my bloody scrubs. I had a quick bath first before going home. On my way, I decided to buy something for dinner. Just to make my pathetic day more pathetic, I bought instant noodles and some chips for dinner. When I got home, I took off my clothes, went directly to my bed and slept for another 12 hours. So, I never had the chance to eat my pathetic dinner which makes me more pathetic because like a penniless vagabond, I slept with nothing in my stomach.

When I woke up, I checked my facebook and found the Coca-cola happiness truck video.

I found myself smiling and clapping as different kinds of surprises came out of the Coca-cola truck. After the watching the video, my mood was slightly uplifted but just for a few seconds. The idea of "everyone is so happy..." was suddenly followed by "...but me" in my mind. Then, my eyes started to well up with tears and I started sobbing. I can't find a reason for the sudden burst of inappropriate emotion. It doesn't happen to me a lot..actually it never happened before. 

I went to my fridge to get something. Coincidentally, there was a bottle of Coca-cola inside, which did comfort me a bit. I checked my facebook again and saw a picture of my classmate, who is a single mother, with her son in Serendra. I checked her other pictures. I saw one where she's with her family eating out. Thinking that it would be the my first Halloween without my family, I started to sob again. Then the idea  of not being able to spend Christmas with my family this December came into my mind, so, I sobbed louder.
As I recovered from my emotional stint, I asked myself, if the Coca-cola truck can read my mind and it could give me the thing that could make me happy right now, what would it be? Then, I received a phone call from my boyfriend. He told me that he would be off by 6 o'clock...
Ok. I think I just pushed the truck's red button. ;)